Mason Skillz
https://vine.co/v/hB9211YrOBH/embed
Please click the above site! (And then click the screen if nothing happens right away.) Because I just cannot figure out how to get this video to show automatically. It’s only like, 10 seconds, but Mason created it! Just so you know, I typed this part after I typed all that below. So now, the rest of this post makes even more sense. And makes me feel even older. And lamer. Whatever.
Both my kids really use technology. They love it. They embrace it. They are comfortable with it. And they use it well. They really don’t have a choice these days because we are fast leaving behind anything that doesn’t involve the internet and a computer or smart device. And I am constantly playing catch up. OK. This is just a quick post because I am off today and my kids want to do something other than sit in this house. We are going old school. Getting some food and heading to the fishing hole. Really. We were going to go to the beach, but we are also very lazy and did not get up with purpose today. Except Mason. Credit to him because he went to football camp and we layed around like vegetables. And now he is done until after the holiday. Good job. He looks good too. Anyway, we are going to go fishing like we used to when they were small. We mostly went because it was far enough away that they thought we were “going” somewhere and it was freeeeee! Now it’s just because we haven’t been there in a long time and it’s still freeeeeeeeee! That’s for the BF. Trying to spend less. Although the girl is already talking dinner, so…Without any more words. Later.
This Is Not The Way.
Sorry Doc. I guess I will have to start that diet next week. I haven’t had those delicious breakfast burritos in soooo long. With that spicy good Hot Picante sauce that the McDonald’s Corporation is being super stingy about handing out with their breakfast foods. Signs everywhere restricting the “sauces per order per item”. It’s so stupid. And even when you ask for more packets, AND are willing to pay for the extra sauces, they act like it’s a huge inconvenience, or that you are committing a crime against the purity of their food preparation. Where are these sauce packets that it takes so long, and three different people, to get? Are they stashed away in a secured vault with a time lock or some kind of multiple employee fingerprint/eyeball unlocking mechanism? Seriously they aren’t that good. This is the truth: Sometimes, even when I really really want McDonald’s, or the kids do, I’ll just skip it because I know what a pain in the ass it will be to get what I actually want. Plus the two stores closest to my house are terrible with service, speed, and getting the orders right. Even with the nuggets, the sauce is wrong or missing altogether, more times than not. Doesn’t McDonald’s have enough money without over doing the sauce thing? Its a sauce conspiracy! But I don’t want to have a whole post complaining. I mean, I did get it today. Spent my money. And ate all of it. And tonight the Charmin Corporation will be thanking me for using lots of their fine product. Gross Point Ending. Play on words. Later.
Let’s Take It Down A Notch With My Third Pic From The New Phone
Life is not all that serious. But you know, I get caught up in the typing and before you know it, a five paragraph essay on mortality appears. The above picture illustrates the life-shortening things we did on my last weekend off. First we went and saw Fast 6. It’s a good movie. If you like those kind of movies. And we do.
Spoiler Alert! Seriously. I will be typing info of the spoiler variety right now. If you have seen any of these movies, you know they tease you at the end. Well, guess what? There’s gonna be a Fast 7. I won’t say how they do it, but if you are like me, you might say to yourself, “You know who they should get for these movies? Jason Statham.” And you would tell all the people around you, right away, at the beginning of the movie, because it’s a British, military-type bad guy in this one, and be really annoying about it. But then you’d be totally validated at the end and all self-satisfied ’cause you’re so smart. You could totally be a movie producer person. Whatever.
After the movie we went and got my new phone. Yay! Not gonna lie again. It’s awesome! It’s a beautiful phone. Samsung Galaxy S4, in case you missed that bit of info in my last mush post. It’s all Otter Box’d up so I don’t ruin it at work or in life. Plus it’s not very recognizable in it’s case so bitches can’t steal it! Ha. I also have it functioning now the way I like it, except for a ringtone. I am still trying to figure out if I should go back to my previous one (PriceTag–Jessie J or Peace Of Mind–Boston) or pick a new one altogether. Life is sooo hard right?
Then we went to Sam’s Club for alcohol and hot peppers to bring over to the BF’s mom’s house, because she was making dinner, roast beef sammy’s, because the BF’s brother, was in town from Oregon where he lives now. Whew. Got all that? I could have summed that up better, but I have a little time here to spread my typing wings. So obviously we got wine. Apothic Red–the best mixed red, for the best price, hand’s down, in my opinion, of all the brands that I have tried, right now. I posted about it before. The other wine. Ehh. It was OK. I think we got a bad bottle. Smelled and tasted almost like it was spoiled. Compromised. The cork was really dry and it had that sharp vinegar whiff to it. We drank it though. No ill effects noted. And since we were at the big warehouse center for giant, low-cost items, and we needed more Jack, we bought the economy size bottle. I mean, come on, that’s just smart money. And the peppers. Which were tasty and pretty hot actually and pretty much the smallest jar you can buy there. And a pair of jeans for the boy. He can never find Levi’s in his size, because most stores only get, like, 2 pairs of his, per shipment. But there they were, on the giant table of Levi’s, just waiting for him to come along and riffle through the pile. If you have ever been to Sam’s, you know they check your receipt and your items before you walk out of the door. So we were all carrying something; the wines, the giant Jack, the giant pepper jar; and the lady that checked our stuff said, “Ok, you got, what…wine, bottle, peppers, OK, well yeah, it looks like you got everything you need right there, uh huh.” And off we went. Layed everything so nicely in the trunk and snapped the pic with my new toy. Then we went to the dinner (delicious) and drove the kids out to their dad’s for an overnight.
Sunday was kind of lazy but chore driven. Laundry. (Which honestly, got done, completely–folded and put away–but is now back with a vengeance. I HATE laundry so much.) Breakfast. Where I met the 102 year old lady and her younger sister, a sprightly 95. Then more laundry when we got back home. (This was a before and after session of laundry. There was a lot.) Then we had pizza for dinner and waited for the kids to get home. That was their first and last week of summer vacation. Athletic camps are now in session, starting today, and they will be busy for the duration. I believe school starts for them about August 11 or 19. Yet to be determined. I don’t have a schedule yet anyway. So it’s a mystery. Well, it’s not really a mystery. I could spoil the surprise for them by looking on the school website, but I will let them dream of long, lazy, summer days and nights for a few more weeks.
And that’s it for now. Exciting re-cap of a day-in-the-life, huh? Now do you see why I fear getting old? Boring. Laundry. Breakfast. Alcohol. Oh. Alcohol. That must be the key. Drink and you will forget that you are getting older. As I said yesterday, I really do have a doctor appointment to get to. So I need to end this. My hip still hurts, but I think alcohol could probably fix that little problem too. Hmm. I suppose exercise might achieve that same result. Build up some strength to stave off the decaying process. Maybe I’ll try both. Drinking would probably make the exercise easier and more enjoyable, with less pain. Or send me to the ER with a dislocated hip ASAP. Still, with less pain. Did I mention that I have to get weighed, along with the B/P check and whatnot? That’s what is really going to cause me pain. I will follow up. Expect a new series of exercise-healthy-losing-weight-live-forever-type posting to start appearing in this lazy space. Later.
I Just Bought Myself A Valentine’s Day Present
Best doughnuts ever! And not because they taste good. The trick to the Krispy Kreme is heating them up just enough (10 seconds, maybe 15, depending on pre-heat temperature and condition) so that the entire doughnut can be compressed into a convenient, compact lump that will easily fit into your mouth all at one time, thus constituting one bite. I’ve already eaten two and my daughter has eaten one. This box will never make it to sundown much less all the way into next week.
What I really really have a massive craving for is the little Sausage Breakfast Burritos from McDonald’s with packs of that delicious Hot Picante sauce on every bite I take. But I have been far too lazy to drag my tired ass out of the house before 10 am to go get one. Or three. Krispy Kreme’s are always available for purchase at the local Jewel Food Store. And I can go at any time of the day. Still…those little tubes of tasty are calling me. I may have to break down and go in the morning. I’ve been really good with the food and sodium on my days of work, (10 total with 6 on the floor), and I don’t seem to eat enough to mess it up on my days off. Not because I’m really trying to eat less or even because I’m just so good like that. I’m pretty much hungry all the time now and my sleep/wake schedule is so off track, that I sleep for the hours I used to be awake and eating. I generally don’t eat when I first wake up and I don’t eat in the middle of the night. These days I feel like I am always “just waking up” and when I have an opportunity to get food, it’s the middle of the night. I almost, almost stopped at Taco Bell on my way home the other night, but I am not sure I can be a “midnight eater” and kind of afraid to find out if I could. Plus, I don’t want to risk the heartburn. And truthfully, it’s already 11 pm and the doughnuts are still here. Could this mean that I might actually be developing some kind of, healthy-diet-eating-plan for life?!? The kind where if you want something, you can have it, but in moderation. Have that donut. But only one. (Or two) I’ve heard of this phenomenon but never experienced it personally. Strange days are here. Strange days indeed. Most peculiar mama. Bet you didn’t think I’d end with that. And in a post about doughnuts. Night all.
View From the Trail
The Nature Trail, that is. In my quest to exercise every day, but not do the same thing every day, and because I can be lazy and not feel like sweating or jumping around for an hour, I walk our local trails. Sometimes I run them, but it was kind of snowy and slippery and I didn’t want to be carted out of them on a stretcher. So embarrassing when the ambulance and firefighters have to come to the Forest Preserve, hike a mile into the woods, with all their equipment, to find me, and then basket me out like some dumbass who was running in the woods and slipped and fell and broke her ankle. Or leg. Or neck. This is suburbia! They didn’t sign up for that!
Anyway, this is the creek, above. And below are some trees. I will resist posting all of the pictures I took or that my daughter took. Apparently she shares my love of photographing bare branches as much as I do. I find walking to be the easiest exercise ever. This is Monday. Tuesday was The Firm (that makes 3 workouts now if you are keeping track–still looking mostly the same–still trying to curb the appetite and eat better). And I walked yesterday too, just around the neighborhood. Just to get outside. It was cold and deceptively slippery. The sun was melting some of the snow but not all of the snow. Just enough to leave that slick of ice that will drop you on your ass in a heartbeat, while also simultaneously wrenching out your back as you try to prevent the fall. I made it safely back home but only because I was very careful to NOT walk on anything that even looked like ice.
In other news: I still haven’t heard from the hospital. I can call tomorrow. I have two interviews next week that I’m pretty excited about. I have been trying to stay positive and concentrate on losing the chunk because it will help me in the long run to not feel negative about this silly stuff. I’d like to say I didn’t post yesterday because I was all up in the social and political censorship internet issues. Doing my part to keep this a cutting edge, raw and real website, filled with black humor and gripping information about life and the occasional boozing and swearing. Protesting to keep it free and available for you to read. And to protect my right to type any and everything that flows out of my brain into the atmosphere no matter how ridiculous or irrelevant. Even if no one actually wants it or reads it. I think the day was a success. I think the internet made its point. I never know how these things go. Smarter folks will have to argue that one for me. In the meantime my little site will be here if you change your mind. No. I was just seeped in the gloom of winter and joblessness. Feeling the UN-love from HR departments everywhere. At least everywhere in the Chicagoland area.
After I got back from my walk though, I really did feel better. There’s studies about the effects of sunshine on depression. I won’t bog down the paragraph with details, but if you feel bad, and you normally don’t, try going outside for about 10 minutes. It’s an easy, free, painless way to see if maybe you just need a re-boot. Nothing medical here. No belittling any real problems that you have. I always like to try the path of least resistance first before I drag out the big guns. I aim for 30 minutes and see how I feel. I would have stayed out longer, but I had to pee really bad and I didn’t want to risk the hold. Too much? Anyway, when I got home, I got the surprise interview phone call and then it was time to go to watch my daughter play volleyball. Too busy too worry then.
Here’s another thing that my cousin will love. The match was an away-game, and held in a gym that was so freaking hot I thought I was going to pass out. It was in one of those really old schools, the kind that look big from the outside but are even bigger on the inside. Three stories high and a basement, with painted, cinder-block walls, long hallways with high ceilings, and lots of recessed doorways and narrow staircases that give it that old-timey, asylum feeling. The gym itself was a compact room of shiny, wooden planks, with the bleachers hanging over the gym floor balcony-style. One wooden door, set into the back wall, lead into another little gym, with another set of balcony bleachers that you could access from the top or bottom. We parked on the wrong side of the building and had to walk through the whole school and then back outside again to get into the gym. No, not the gym, the “GYMNASIUM”. Carved into a giant stone arch, above a huge wooden, double door with leaded glass and black iron fixtures that we reached by climbing up, not one, but two, flights of concrete stairs, flanked on both sides by red brick, shoulder-high walls. Heat definitely rises. My palms were sweating. And I was wearing a T-shirt. Before we go chucking it up to menopause, let it be known that we were ALL dying in there. I’m counting that too for my exercise log. It’s like the sauna part after a good workout. I feel cleansed.
I might have more to type for later. But I’m making Jambalaya and it takes time, so I have to go. I already made brownies. And biscuits are in the hopper. I like to cook when I feel bad. It calms me down and gives me something exacting and tasty to focus on. When I post about rice pudding, you’ll know it’s time for an intervention. That’s my go-to, can’t-drag-myself-out-of-the-house food savior. It takes hours to cook and slowly bake and it becomes something more than just rice and milk and sugar. It’s like Bondo for your soul. It fills in the cracks and holes and keeps the bad stuff out until you can figure out a way to get it whole again. I haven’t made it in years and years, thank god. But the last time I did, these cousins of mine, the ones I speak of, were there with me. To sit, and wait, until it got dark, and share it with me. So I didn’t have to eat it all alone. I think about that sometimes. It was a moment that I truly needed help and they were there, like magic.
Sorry about that. This is what happens when you type every random thought that spills into your head. That had me tearing up over here, and it’s beautiful outside, and I’m happy and I’m all better now. On a funny note, now that I really think about it, all our names begin with the letter “L”. How weird!! Anyway, I love you guys. And if I never said it before, I’ll say it now: Thank you!! You guys are awesome.
Alright, really done now. I have food to cook, not so much because I feel bad this time, but because the weather is supposed to turn on us again and a big pot of food just feels safe and secure doesn’t it?? And I need to take care of a squirrel that won’t get off the bird feeder. He will B-BE taken “care of”. How can I get all my fab bird pictures with squirrels hanging around eating all the seeds? (Bird Alert! A blood-red Cardinal and a sky-blue Blue Jay are in my air space. Trying to get them in my camera and out to you. Spent an hour yesterday but I need more!) Also, my kids aren’t home yet so I should probably go see if they left me any messages on their whereabouts. Later Gators!
Ham String Curls!
That headline is only going to be funny to one person, but I don’t care. I had a novel idea today to work out BEFORE I posted anything. The weather is supposed to be nice a again, and so far it is. Paul Konrad spoke of 50’s and warmer temps and clear skies. But it still feels cold to me. Plus I have a volleyball game to go to for Stevie. Second one. The first was Monday. It was very exciting and the matches were close, usually a point or two, but they ended up losing. I thought they did pretty good for only having 4 practices. And those were over Christmas Break. I’ll put pics up if the girl lets me. Anyway, I won’t have time later to work out and I don’t trust the weather to wait for a few more hours. Plus I wanted something fast and complete. So I went to my old standby: The Firm. 45 minutes of pure elevated heart rate and sweat. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t eat or because my heart hasn’t worked that hard trying to move me around in weeks, but I felt slightly sick in the middle and for a minute there, thought for sure I was going to throw up. My stomach flipped and all I could hear was my heart beating in my head but I just stood there lifting my stupid dumbbells until it passed. So you know this tape has got to be good right??
That picture above really has nothing to do with my workout besides the ham string curl, curled horns, thing. It’s a stretch I know. Anyway, I like doing the Firm workouts because they combine cardio and weights and they make me sweat because I am out of shape. Rebekah is the ring leader. She’s cute and so evil with her friendly, constant chatter about what we are about to do next. Ham String Curls is one of the things she says that gets into my nightmares while I sleep. She says it all sing-songy and I am lured into the abyss. You can see her devil eyes about halfway through the workout. She’s looking up at the camera and I feel her thoughts enter into my brain, “C’mon you fat ass, kick it higher, lift that heavier weight, burn burn burn!” I may just be hallucinating that last part though. I am working my way back into the P90X sets. I was doing them every day last year, but I totally fell off the wagon and rolled into the street, down a hill, across a stream and then down another hill until I landed in a giant hole of marshmallow middles, blubber butts and shame.
But I’m back. Three days in a row! It’s a new year record! It’s all part of the master plan: Run. Walk. Weights. And add some push ups. (The tape gives you some ab moves–not too crazy. You can always add more if you like) One of the new sites that I am following, linked over to the right there, or click on the name, called WhatUp Chickenbutt just did a post on girl vs. regular push-ups. She said skip the girl ones all together and go for the man ones. Do them every day and see what happens. Well I will tell you, I did lots of girl push ups when I started P90 because I could not do even ONE real pushup. By the time I quit the P90, I could 10 regular ones. Took about 40 days for me personally to get there. I tried one today….and I’d generously give myself about one HALF of a real push up. I went down. Skimmed the ground with my gut. Froze there shaking and tried to push myself back up. I would say I was on the ground longer than the up and down motion. Then I tried it again after my Firm workout and I’d say I improved to about a Three Quarter pushup. I felt more confident though! But I still couldn’t do one. It’s a good idea though and I like a challenge. Do what is right for you! It’s no fun to fail right out of the gate. Besides, the girl ones are not all bad because they do allow you to build up some arm strength using half your weight until you can finally hoist your whole body up and down. So work up to whatever you can handle. Obviously I am one of those people that has to work out every day or I will not work out at all. One slip and I’m doomed to the couch. Anyhoo, the Firm is a good way to ease back into the hell of P90. The Firm box says you can see results in 10 workouts. I will let you know about that. It’s probably true. In fact I know it is because I used it last year too. It’s a nice break from the P90 intensity and it feels like you can dance. Rebekah does those old aerobic moves you used to see all the time. Things like plyo’s, switchups, wraps, it was all very confusing at first but I got it now. It makes me feel like I know what I’m doing and I enjoy seeing myself mirroring what the girls are doing on screen. I just can’t finish the whole thing yet. So close, but no cigar. I recommend this particular one because you get a good combo of cardio/weights that will make you sweat and feel good but won’t discourage you from trying it again if you can’t do everything all the way through. I put the pic below.
These pictures always turn out so gigantic. Well, I have lots more to write about, and I need to get some food. I’ve been good so far, keeping the cals at about 1500 to 2000. That seems like a lot but it’s not for me considering how much I was eating just a few days ago. And I’m trying to keep it as low-everything bad as possible, but this is the part that takes the most work. Jumping around like a wounded animal gasping and clawing the air for breath is easy. Shopping and cooking healthy for yourself and your family, under the whining protest that it’s “gonna be gross” and fighting against the constant, gnawing hunger for a few days (or weeks depending on how far gone you really are) is hard. Here’s to coffee and breath mints! My meal of choice for the newly turned fanatic. I’m just kidding. That’s my diet every day. Later.
Just because this starts a whole new year. One week late.
And because I get to combine all my favorite things. A chunk update. Another weather update. And pictures from my phone. Of the sky. At sunset. With a lot of skeleton trees. This is what 55 degrees in January at dusk looks like this year. It was warm today too. I don’t generally go for the no jacket thing just because it’s hotter than usual. I’m the first one to yell pneumonia. And we’re all being lured into poor health by good weather. But I’ll admit I was only wearing a zip-up hoodie and I was getting kind of hot outside. The sun was shining down so bright that I was getting crabby and drowsy. The warm sun just makes me want to lay down in it and take a nap. Like a snake I guess. Or a fat middle aged non exercising chunk of fun. Here comes the chunk part! It’s a tough week. I’m more tired than usual. Kind of achy and greasy. And I was particularly sick of feeling sad and depressed. So I spruced up this old carcass a bit with some new hair color (sorry Amanda…I know you are the only one who should be allowed to fix my hair but I swear I cannot drive for two hours, pay for gas and tolls and feel good about myself until I get a job…the box has to be the cure for now…it looks good by the way. The kids didn’t even notice. They thought something was different but couldn’t put their fingers on it until after I told them. My theory on home hair coloring, or anything really that you try to do yourself, is that if no one notices anything different it’s a good job. Only the glaring mistakes or radical change gets any attention) and some good hygiene and hair removal. However I also ate a bunch of crap that I shouldn’t because it was here and I had to get rid of it by next week when the real work on chipping away the fat cells begins. You will all be happy to know that I managed to eat, er, get rid of, all the chips and dip and most of the cheese/sausage/cracker stores. I also disposed of an entire box of Whitman’s Dark Chocolates, with my daughters help, who interestingly enough HATES dark chocolate but was able to power through and help me save our household for the greater good. I also drank the rest of the wine from the other night and am currently working on the final two bags of Ghirardelli chocolates while washing them down with Jack Daniels. I haven’t cooked in a week or worked out. In fact we have been staying up way too late watching the bad movies we love so much. The kids have to go back to school Monday and I should be working by the next week. (That’s very wishful thinking as I am making it my sole purpose in life–well besides eating all the food in the house—to have a job in another week or two.) I will have a full report on the snacks because I took pics of them. Really. For instance, I found this GIANT potato chip in the bag. I mean it was really big. I don’t think I have ever seen one this big. So of course I took it’s picture. With the dip container and the TV remote for scale. I also took pics of the sky and some more trees, big surprise. And I have a movie list if you’re interested! We watch BAD movies. Like B movie bad. With old stars like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in them. Or Lorenzo Lamas. Remember him? And they usually are battling a giant crocodile or a sharktopus, you know a shark-octopus hybrid, or a giant squid against a giant snake. Some are better than others and some are just terrible. This is how we spend family time. As for tonight, I have to try and hurry this along, because the BF is on his way with another sack full of fast food from the local greasy spoon and we have a special night of, All New Releases!, to watch. They have to be back tomorrow so we have to plan our time carefully. I actually feel a little sick right now from the food I ate today. I know this is not something I should even say out loud, but I cannot wait until I get my dang period! (pardon my french). My appetite will disappear, I can get some energy back and hit the gym instead of the Dunkin Donuts, and burn off the winter weight. From about 10 winters but who’s really counting anymore. I only have about 10 pounds to lose (for each winter) so it’s pretty do-able! I’m excited. Oh! I almost forgot! I finished a book! A reading book. Not a school book. It was the Denis Leary one. You might have read about it here two years ago or so. Sadly, that’s how long it has taken me. I finished it last year. Made it just under the mark too. Like December 29th or something. I still recommend it for anyone who likes Denis Leary. It is funny and easy to read. Even my mom’s brain surgeon said, “that guy is something else…” and he chuckled. So there you have it, a brain surgeon endorsement! I’m just not good with the whole concentration thing in sentence and paragraph form without a lot of pictures to break up the words. Except for when I type. I can really string some letters together huh? I put a picture of the book below so I wouldn’t ruin my sunset shot. Oh! And I also found my first street money of the year. One penny and one dime. I will try and keep that up to date now. Just as soon as I tally up last year and post it under its proper heading. There’s just no excuses for letting all you loyal readers down. You want to know these silly mundane things that have no benefit to anyone. And I cant even keep up. And truthfully I am not doing much else besides sitting around and thinking about doing stuff. I’m lucky we have laundry. Alright, seriously, let me wrap this up. I know the BF will be here any minute and I want to catch up on my Words With Friends (evil evil evil—addiction in smart phone form) and BeJeweled (the other evil in the world of computers and high tech gaming–that was meant to be funny. BeJeweled is hardly high tech. It’s really no-tech. It’s pretty though. Match the gems for one minute. Try to score as many points as possible. Why, oh why, would that ever be addicting??) Ok, I think I hear a car in the driveway and my liquor glass is empty. Using the words from my son’s first book that he really liked…breathe and think…relax and run…om shanti shanti…Until later…
Doctor Rita has diagnosed my ailment!
After extensive research that included reviewing all my symptoms, observing my behavior, and a long wait in her brain surgeon’s office, she delicately broke the bad news to me that I was, what they like to call in the medical world: F. A. T.
Thanks Mom! And yes, that is a picture of a slug up above. It was crawling on our garage one balmy autumn morning as we have had quite the unusual temperate temperatures around here lately. So much so that slugs are actually slime-ing all over the buildings to remind me of my dread disease. I figured it was appropriate now that I am aware of the root of all my medical problems.
Believe it or not, it was pretty funny when she kindly said to me, “You know, all these problems, I think it’s just because, you know, you’re really starting to put on the weight…” As she trailed off while pointing to my overall fatness and touching her lower face and chin area at the same time, remarking, “You’re getting more chins than me…you should probably do something about that.” It really was hilarious. I was so surprised. Not shocked. Because she is right. I have kind of porked up these last few months despite my strict exercise program of working out once every two weeks or so. But it really wasn’t what I expected her to say. And it was so matter of fact that we just sat there, across from each other for a minute and then I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. We were laughing like truly brain damaged people in the brain surgeon’s office over my giant fat body…I said, “Geez mom, way to break it to me gently: ‘Oh, by the way, you have more chins then a Chinese phone book, do something about that would ya…’ ” No offense intended to anyone, but that made us laugh even harder.
If you can’t count on your mom to give it to you straight who can you count on? So I weighed myself when I got home. It’s bad. And I just weighed myself today and I think it’s worse. I actually went to the gym too. Several times. So I am going with my original diagnosis which is a growing, but benign tumor that is adding weight to my body without my knowledge. Too bad the tumor is probably made of cookies and pizza and alcohol. Anyway, I got three days of exercise in last week and three days in this week, but I haven’t reduced my intake by enough to make me hungry and crabby. That’s how you know. Get ready for some crabby ass posts next week because it will NOT be pretty. That first week is going to SUCK. I hate starving myself but it seems to be the only way to jump start any kind of weight loss and to kill the taste for those delicious fatty, greasy, sugary, sweet, savory treats that are so available this time of year. I will only say that I have remained inside the 100’s weight-wise, but if I don’t stop the train now, I am going to careen off the track into the 200 pound valley of pain. It’s bad enough that my skin is stretching to its maximum limits. It’s letting loose and I can tell it wants to go all floppy. But I can’t be weighing more than my mother now so the end is near. Damn. Why does food have to taste so good??
Alright. Speaking of food, I have to go and have breakfast with my sister-in-law since it’s her birthday today. Happy Birthday Carole! Even though she doesn’t read this, but she would appreciate the shout out none the less. I will try to order healthy and prepare myself for the coming days. A lot of damage can be done when you give up and say, “What the hell.” I don’t want to have to lose any more weight than I already have on me.
So, to sum up: I am not dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. Not having strokes. Probably don’t have lupus. No MS or any one of the degenerative nerve diseases. No tumors. My mom has ruled all these serious illnesses out and has slapped me back to reality. My name is….and I am a fat ass.
I love you mom. See you in a few days.
So, kids have a way of getting right to the heart of the thing
My lovely daughter just told me that she saw the, “younger, skinnier, more beautiful version of me” on the beach in Michigan. She was wearing a black bathing suit and had clear skin and the skinny body with the same kind of black hair that I had, when I used to get my hair colored black. My daughter said she saw this woman, and was so surprised because it looked so much like me, that she just stared at her until the woman started looking back at her like she might be crazy.
So I guess that’s nice. (?).
However…since I was eating at the time of this news flash, and I caught a completely unintentional glimpse into my fattiness, I proceeded to go ahead and finish all the crap in the house that I like (that would be White Castle’s, Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and Oreo’s–luckily there was only a little of each). And now I will finish the bottle of wine I opened 2 days ago. Because tomorrow, in addition to my RUN (National Running Day! Click it or check the next post and get in on the fun!), I have to re-boot my dietary intake. And by re-boot, I mean drink only water and starve myself for 3 weeks or so. I have 18 days to become the younger, skinnier, more beautiful version of myself!
That’s healthy right?
I’m not really going to starve myself. That would actually be impossible. I really like food. And I get really hungry and pretty crabby when I’m trying to be “good”. So I’ll just make better choices in the next 18 days. (I picked 18 because of the Warrior Dash. It’s in 18 days so I’m going to use that). It’s a short, attainable amount of time. And if I want to eat a bunch of crap I can do it after the race!
First side note: I also want to clarify, that even though I suggested that my daughter was calling me fat by using some kind of psychologic, mind-bend to passively indicate beauty is equated with thinness and youth, she DID NOT intentionally mean to make me feel bad. She was just telling a funny story and I added all the rest! She even said, “I guess that lady couldn’t have been more beautiful than you, because she looked just like you.” And that’s a direct quote.
Healthy. Unhealthy. Exercise. Sloth. Water. Alcohol. This site is all over the place. I can’t decide to be good or bad. Everything in moderation and add some activity! That’s probably good enough.
**On a second, side note: I had to have lost a few pounds today just from pure sweat and suffering. That rainstorm never did pan out for us and it’s been sweltering here all day. It’s good and hot in the house now. Everyone looks droopy, like water starved weeds. Still not turning it on though. That’s probably going to be a fight later when the BF gets home. Hopefully once he gets going on the topic, the heat will press down on him, crushing his urge to argue and squashing his ability to fight back. He will collapse in a heap of wilty protestation, and me and the kids can drag him to the bedroom and let him sleep it off. It’s always cooler at about 3 am so I don’t know what everyone is complaining about! All that whining about winter and how cold it is…blah blah blah…well, it’s HOT now!! Enjoy!
Alright I better go. I have to call in a take out order for dinner. So healthy!
just shy of pretty 