Following The Pumpkin Truck
On my way to work. On the expressway. I’ll admit, that while I was fumbling around trying to get the picture, and driving, that it would not be good if that cardboard box thing holding all those pumpkins together just broke. Pumpkins everywhere! I don’t see how I would even avoid them really. They would just tumble out and over the side and onto the road. I’ve never hit a pumpkin or tried to run one over, but I bet that without a truck I would not have much success of keeping my vehicle intact. But you know, I still had to get the picture because I am an idiot. Happy October!
Feed Me Seymour! Feed Me!
Now that might not seem very impressive all on its own, but it is, when you consider that it started like this:
We don’t even know where it came from. That is our “big stump” pile, this bit of nature is growing out of, from when that broken tree was removed so many months ago. I came out one day and there it was. A plant. We decided to leave it because it looked like an actual plant and not a weed. The neighbor behind us has a garden and this same plant is in it. We think zucchini, squash, pumpkin, you know, something like that. Big leaves. Yellow flowers. Super fast growth. Like, accelerated, sonic, creeping, crawling, curling over the branches, type of fast growing. We figured maybe a bird or squirrel or rabbit carried one of the seeds over to our area and poof. Now we have a garden too! Mind you, we have done nothing to this plant. Nothing. No water. No weeding. No maintenance whatsoever. My thought was, that if it really wants to survive, it will have to survive on its own. Survive and thrive. It’s definitely doing that. Every day the thing seems like it’s getting bigger and bigger. When I went out yesterday, my first thought was: Little Shop Of Horrors. Hence the title above. It’s actually kind of scary. Old time movie scary. One day I expect one of those leaves and one of those long, thick stems to be sitting outside the back door tapping on the screen, holding a dead animal. “I’m hungry, Seymour!” “I’m hungry, Lisa!” Damn nature, you scary! (Reference: Tracy Morgan–SNL) And how do you know my name?? OK. Well we have been waiting to see if anything else is gonna grow off this thing except some yellow flowers. This is a good one I took a picture of today:
And then I looked closer. I will admit, as crazy as this sounds, that I was somewhat hesitant to go sticking my hands and arms into the leaves because the plant seems so Jurassic and kind of menacing. But I did. Because I am a human being. A human who is way bigger than a plant and not in a horror movie, or completely “eccentric” or insane at this point in my life. And this is what I saw:
It looks like a squash! Actual food? Maybe? Should we eat it if it actually turns into a vegetable? Is squash a vegetable or a fruit? I don’t know. It’s pretty big I think already, but I have nothing to compare it to, except the other smaller one growing next to it.
So that was my morning. Now I have to go to work. I will keep everyone updated on this gripping tale of, “Growing Something In The Wild!” Ha. Wild. More like, “Growing Something Accidentally In A Suburban Backyard Stick Pile!” Now that, is scary! Later!
Let’s Take It Down A Notch With My Third Pic From The New Phone
Life is not all that serious. But you know, I get caught up in the typing and before you know it, a five paragraph essay on mortality appears. The above picture illustrates the life-shortening things we did on my last weekend off. First we went and saw Fast 6. It’s a good movie. If you like those kind of movies. And we do.
Spoiler Alert! Seriously. I will be typing info of the spoiler variety right now. If you have seen any of these movies, you know they tease you at the end. Well, guess what? There’s gonna be a Fast 7. I won’t say how they do it, but if you are like me, you might say to yourself, “You know who they should get for these movies? Jason Statham.” And you would tell all the people around you, right away, at the beginning of the movie, because it’s a British, military-type bad guy in this one, and be really annoying about it. But then you’d be totally validated at the end and all self-satisfied ’cause you’re so smart. You could totally be a movie producer person. Whatever.
After the movie we went and got my new phone. Yay! Not gonna lie again. It’s awesome! It’s a beautiful phone. Samsung Galaxy S4, in case you missed that bit of info in my last mush post. It’s all Otter Box’d up so I don’t ruin it at work or in life. Plus it’s not very recognizable in it’s case so bitches can’t steal it! Ha. I also have it functioning now the way I like it, except for a ringtone. I am still trying to figure out if I should go back to my previous one (PriceTag–Jessie J or Peace Of Mind–Boston) or pick a new one altogether. Life is sooo hard right?
Then we went to Sam’s Club for alcohol and hot peppers to bring over to the BF’s mom’s house, because she was making dinner, roast beef sammy’s, because the BF’s brother, was in town from Oregon where he lives now. Whew. Got all that? I could have summed that up better, but I have a little time here to spread my typing wings. So obviously we got wine. Apothic Red–the best mixed red, for the best price, hand’s down, in my opinion, of all the brands that I have tried, right now. I posted about it before. The other wine. Ehh. It was OK. I think we got a bad bottle. Smelled and tasted almost like it was spoiled. Compromised. The cork was really dry and it had that sharp vinegar whiff to it. We drank it though. No ill effects noted. And since we were at the big warehouse center for giant, low-cost items, and we needed more Jack, we bought the economy size bottle. I mean, come on, that’s just smart money. And the peppers. Which were tasty and pretty hot actually and pretty much the smallest jar you can buy there. And a pair of jeans for the boy. He can never find Levi’s in his size, because most stores only get, like, 2 pairs of his, per shipment. But there they were, on the giant table of Levi’s, just waiting for him to come along and riffle through the pile. If you have ever been to Sam’s, you know they check your receipt and your items before you walk out of the door. So we were all carrying something; the wines, the giant Jack, the giant pepper jar; and the lady that checked our stuff said, “Ok, you got, what…wine, bottle, peppers, OK, well yeah, it looks like you got everything you need right there, uh huh.” And off we went. Layed everything so nicely in the trunk and snapped the pic with my new toy. Then we went to the dinner (delicious) and drove the kids out to their dad’s for an overnight.
Sunday was kind of lazy but chore driven. Laundry. (Which honestly, got done, completely–folded and put away–but is now back with a vengeance. I HATE laundry so much.) Breakfast. Where I met the 102 year old lady and her younger sister, a sprightly 95. Then more laundry when we got back home. (This was a before and after session of laundry. There was a lot.) Then we had pizza for dinner and waited for the kids to get home. That was their first and last week of summer vacation. Athletic camps are now in session, starting today, and they will be busy for the duration. I believe school starts for them about August 11 or 19. Yet to be determined. I don’t have a schedule yet anyway. So it’s a mystery. Well, it’s not really a mystery. I could spoil the surprise for them by looking on the school website, but I will let them dream of long, lazy, summer days and nights for a few more weeks.
And that’s it for now. Exciting re-cap of a day-in-the-life, huh? Now do you see why I fear getting old? Boring. Laundry. Breakfast. Alcohol. Oh. Alcohol. That must be the key. Drink and you will forget that you are getting older. As I said yesterday, I really do have a doctor appointment to get to. So I need to end this. My hip still hurts, but I think alcohol could probably fix that little problem too. Hmm. I suppose exercise might achieve that same result. Build up some strength to stave off the decaying process. Maybe I’ll try both. Drinking would probably make the exercise easier and more enjoyable, with less pain. Or send me to the ER with a dislocated hip ASAP. Still, with less pain. Did I mention that I have to get weighed, along with the B/P check and whatnot? That’s what is really going to cause me pain. I will follow up. Expect a new series of exercise-healthy-losing-weight-live-forever-type posting to start appearing in this lazy space. Later.
Smokin’ In The Boys Room
And by “boys room”, I mean the outside. While I work this weekend, my BF has decided to do many manly things, like, work on his motorcycle, cut large tree limbs with a chainsaw, and smoke much meat. It sounds like so much fun I just wish I could have had these days off to be here for all of it. Ahem. No, really. (Not really). I like to spend my holiday weekends working and taking care of sick people and listening to their families tell me what a crap job I’m doing. It’s what I got into this profession for. That rewarding feeling of spending more hours with other people’s families instead of my own. Without sarcasm, I really do like my job. It’s just some families make it very difficult to keep calm. The patients are fine. It’s just the families sometimes. Still, I think it will be better than the manual labor that needs to be done here. Sweaty, with heavy lifting. Oh wait, that’s my job too. Ha. OK. Enough. That’s my work rant. Back to the meat!
Apparently this is stuff you need. Along with a starter tube thing that gets the coals going, a temp gauge, (actually two temp gauges, one for the cooker and one for the meat), water for steam, spices, herbs, liquids, “rubs”, side dishes, buns, etc…and of course: The Meat. This will all cost you approx. 90 dollars or so. If you had to buy your own smoker, that could be an extra 100-500 dollars, depending on quality and advanced smoking technology. Or something. This smoker in the picture was the gift the BF got for working so hard at his job for this many, past 15 years. It seems like it’s nice smoker machine. I have just been informed that the meat is at 162 degrees. The number we are looking for is 190 I believe. We are doing pulled pork as the maiden smoking. I keep typing “we”, but I literally have done NOTHING except take the pictures and type this. Soon, I will get dressed and leave, so I won’t even be here for the big finish. But, of course I have a preview. Please feast your eyes below on three hunks of pure animal flesh, cooking and smoking, slowly, and at a certain temperature, for maximum tenderness and pullability. It really smells good too:
Two on top, one below. That sounds like a good name for a band or a book title. The key to cooking this right, I am told, is slow and low. Also, coincidentally a good band name or book title. At any rate, what we want is to put it in our mouths and not even have to chew. The meat should literally pull apart and melt like butter on our palates and slide juicily and effortlessly down our throats to our waiting tummies without any pesky chewing involved. But usually it’s on a bun with sauce, so please, family, while I am gone, chew a little, please. Bread mostly needs to be chewed, somewhat, to break it down. Then swallow. No need to ruin a good weekend with “Heimlich’s” or “ambulances” or “hospitals” or “morgues”. Thank you.
Thus ends the meat post for today. I hear and smell lots of manly things going on in the neighborhood today, so I need to get the hell out of here! The outside temp is up to 75 degrees. Sunny and beautiful for the Midwest. The meat temp is at a cool 165. The BF is cutting sticks with the chainsaw. The boy/son is playing XBox in his room enjoying none of the outside weather. The daughter is still at my sissy’s house and will prob go from there to her cousins house to spend the night, after she stops here first to eat meat. She loves meat. Yes, I see what I typed there, but I’m leaving it. It’s too early (for me) to try and fix the innuendo. She’s 14 for cry-yi. Some girls are salads and try a vegetarian phase, not mine. She is steak all the way.
Let them eat meat! And don’t forget it’s Memorial Weekend. Hug a vet! Thank a soldier while you are grilling those hot dogs and drinking that beer! Even if you just send up a big toast and a cheer into the great unknown. It’s all good karma to the universe. Later.
Speaking Of Drinking…
You know you need to work out when you are too weak to pick up your big bottle of booze. Real time pic using the coffee maker (12 cup/full size) for reference. Hey. Don’t judge. We didn’t start at the top. We slowly graduated up to the party version. It’s more economical. Picture proof below. Although I really shouldn’t. It’s embarrassing that we even have all these bottles (we don’t; anymore) and that we took a picture. (The BF did it. I’m just posting it because we are immature.) It’s a nice shot though huh? Super sharp and clear. His new phone takes really good pictures. I’m so jelly. Later.
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!! To YOU!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Hopefully all those exclamation points will help distract from the fact that I am the most horrendous GF in the WHOLE world! This should have been posted yesterday. On your actual birthday! And I am soooo sorry! I was afraid to back date it though because then it might not get sent out to all the e-mails and whatnot. April 2. You are 40 now, tried and true. I was not there because of work. Then I was late, what a jerk! I sent you texts but that’s never enough. And facebook posts are full of fluff. If I get low census we’ll have some fun and then maybe I will move back up to number 1! That’s really all I can rhyme out here in a few short minutes before I shower and leave. It’s not the worst string of words…
Anyway. I love you. Happy happy birthday. This year was big but I didn’t plan. I am bad and take full responsibility for your personal birthday happiness. For everything. Winkity wink. I will try to make up on all counts of birthday wish shortcomings and poor organization skills and maneuvers. I hope it was still good though. My friend at work said that her first husband went totally cray cray when he turned 40. Like, a complete mental 180. Flipped out. So much so that they actually thought he might have had a brain tumor. Ended the marriage. I’m not jinxing, I’m just saying: You let me know. We can fix whatever you want to change. Or at least we can try. Before the dramatics and mid-life crisis. But I’m going to go on record and say that, based on my experience, and the fact that I take care of A-LOT of 90 year-old-plus people, (men and women), the mid-life crisis really shouldn’t factor in until about 45 these days. Just some food for thought on a Wednesday afternoon. Think. Discuss. Comment if you must. (I have to say, I am really not trying to rhyme everything but it just seems to be happening quite naturally today. So weird.)
Last sentences, just for the BF: Happy Birthday!! I love you! You are the best man, all around, I have ever known, for me and the kiddies. XO. I will call you in a few! Later!
XXL Food on the loose!
For a while there I was putting up a picture of large size food every few weeks. Click over there to the right on “Giant Food” and you can see some of it. Then we stopped going places that serve giant food and I have had to rely on finding an XXL versions of every day ordinary foods to fill up the space. This is not a difficult thing to do. Even though the world is still kind of talking about healthy eating, smaller portions, NOT super sizing anything, you can still find companies to make big food if it will sell. And it does.
I bought this giant Snickers bar for my daughters Christmas stocking. She does like Snickers, but not this much. It was mostly to be funny. Last year we found the giant Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Two cups in a big wrapper that weighted one pound total. It was gross and I do not know why I didn’t take any pictures of it! It’s not like me. And maybe I have a shot somewhere. Since then, I’ve switched computers and some pics are on the new one but a lot are still on the old one. I just started transferring them last night. Anyway, if I find one, I’ll post it. Something to look forward to. But for today. I did take pictures of the Snickers bar and I did record its stats for your enjoyment. Or horror. Some extra info: That is an over-sized dinner plate the bar is sitting on. And it’s been cut already.
First off, it cost $9.99. Ten measly bucks for a diabetic Merry Christmas! It was about 9 inches long, about 2 inches high, give or take for slope, and 3 inches across. Weighing one pound. Not exactly pick it up and take a bite. 16 ounces of chocolate, peanuts, caramel and nougaty tooth decay. The package says to “slice and share” though, NOT to sit on your couch with your favorite movies and a 2 Liter of Pepsi and gnaw on it until it is gone. What would you drink with this? You have to drink something because it’s so sweet and gooey. Water, milk, coffee, beer, wine…hmmm. I personally didn’t eat a flake of that Snickers bar. I’m not really a fan of that particular candy bar. It gets in my teeth and molars and feels like a dentists drill. But, as a family, we tried to destroy it.
Anyway, it says to cut into 9, one inch pieces, at 230 calories per slice. But we’re just gonna go ahead and pretend we ate the whole thing in one sitting. When we wake up at the hospital, this is what we will have done to ourselves:
Eaten a grand total of 2070 calories. Not the most some people have probably eaten in one sitting, but a lot for a “snack”.
99 grams of fat.
225 grams of sugar.
You would be getting some protein, iron and calcium but sheesh, have some yogurt with peanut granola and raisins. Won’t make you vomit after an hour either! These are not outlandish numbers for one meal. If you go to a restaurant and have drinks, it is possible to eat the same amount in numbers as the above, but hopefully you will have spread it out over time and bathroom breaks and dancing or something, I don’t know, along with appetizers and entree’s and desserts and maybe salads and cheeses if you’re fancy. A thick, creamy soup could also help boost your score. But that’s off the point. Here are some comparisons I did just to make it more real and give perspective. I love when they do this on TV and in cooking shows!
This one giant bar is equivalent to eating NINE regular Snickers bars. Nine!
Or eating just over one stick of butter. One whole STICK of butter, plus one more tablespoon.
Or eating 56 sugar cubes. FIFTY-SIX!!
Purely calorie wise, you could eat TWENTY bananas! Or TWENTY packets of plain Instant oatmeal! Or an entire loaf of bread. Or an entire bag of potato chips and still have some calories left to have dip with that!
Obviously I have nothing better to do this Sunday. I put the Nutrition info below too so you can see for yourself and do any math you feel necessary. Or check mine if you like.
I actually do have something to do today. Another family thing. It’s my brother’s birthday next week but we are all gathering today to have drinks and food and pie. It’s not exactly going to be vegetables and salad, but I for one am bringing a tasty snack that uses a Jalapeno pepper as its base. It’s green and has health properties that I am sure counteract the unhealthy aspects that cream cheese, a cocktail weenie, and a bacon wrap bring to the table. I also think there will be a taco dip. That usually has lettuce and tomato sprinkled over the top. That’s halfway to a salad!
Life is a slice of cookies and cream pie with a whiskey chaser. That makes no sense. But that’s life today. And I’m struggling for a good ending here. Pancakes in the morning (with blueberries–that counts as fruit!!) and party food and alcohol in the afternoon. I will be WALKING from the house to the car and back. (Exercise!!) And I plan on lathering my hair extra vigorously in the shower! (Cardio! And an arm workout!) I really need to get going here! Enjoy your Sunday wherever you are! It looks nice outside even if it’s still cold! Get up get out get moving! Later!
And in case you were wondering: We never finished the whole Snickers bar. It got cut up into small pieces, at various times and chewed a bit, but in the end, after about 2 weeks, and a quarter of it leftover, I ended up just throwing it away. Have a great day!
What’s that old saying? Feed a fever and starve a fat cell?
So hungry!! Why is food so tasty?? FYI, I am not eating that right now. That was last week. When I was unhealthy. Remember? I talked about finding the giant chip? Well, that’s it. I put it next to the remote for perspective. And that’s the 16 oz. dip container. Which I threw out yesterday because it does not need to be in the house anymore. I am trying to be good. So far, I am averaging out to about 1500-2000 cals a day. Which I also already said, but thought I would say again so I can lead into the whole starving myself thing. In the days leading up to my big interview (No call at all today. Is that Friday the 13th good luck or bad luck? We’ll never know) I tried to drink buckets of water and eat minimal food quantities. Well that plan backfired on Wednesday because I felt sick as a dog when I finally did eat. I was so hungry that as soon as I started eating some food my stomach cramped and I thought I was going to throw up. Plus I had a raging, pounding, piercing headache because I drank coffee in the afternoon like a dumb ass. I have been trying to limit my coffee drinking to about noon. I have been getting heartburn and headaches if I try and drink it all through the day like I used to. At one point I was even drinking it on the ride home from work at 5 and 6 at night. That’s crazy right? Anyway, I notice it more now, especially if I stop for awhile in the morning, like to exercise or shower, or drink more water and eat. If I try to have coffee on an empty exercised and watered stomach in the afternoon, I feel like someone is trying to stab me in the head with a knife. That’s probably NOT a good thing. So that’s one more thing to add to the “old” list.
Anyway, that’s it really. Just wanted to talk about the correlation between food and exercise. Definitely works better and delivers more results if you do both. Eat the healthy way. And in evenly spaced increments. No starvation tactics. And exercise every day. 30 minutes plus, if you can. I also needed an excuse to post these potato chip pictures. The other one is below. The giant potato chip is sitting over the top of the dip container! We are the party people. Dinner is on the way so I gotta go, but keep reading if you haven’t today and find a related post below that! Eating less+ exercise = Bones! Later!
I believe the word you are looking for is “MASTICATE” !!
Thanks cuz!! You crazy lady!! But, for the effort, here is a giant piece of cake for you to chew on!! This is also your birthday gift! Doesn’t it look delicious? Can you see how big it is?? America has problems with these giant desserts.
Anyway, I didn’t realize your birthday was the same day as “Leftover Halloween.” Another fine holiday that I made up yesterday. If I had known I would have included you in the festivities.
So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! To my cousin Lorraine!!! Wooo…..you are my most consistent reader and commenter!! (Throwing out that challenge to the other five….step it up people!!) And an all around cool chick on her own! (If anyone is confused, she’s the one who lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere, but they do have internet, so win-win!) Hope the day was great! And thank you for giving me an excellent opportunity to post that picture of the giant chocolate cake. I seriously had just moved it to my “extra pics” file a few days ago, heartbroken, because I had no good reason to put it on here. In your honor, I have created a special category “For Lorraine” (to the right) just for you! YOU ROCK!!
Coincidentally, I might have to start “macerating” my food just so I can eat! Jaw pain stinks!! I’m still undecided if it feels better or worse yet. Let me choke on a few more food items today and I’ll let you all know! I figure that if I can swallow, I’m good! I would re-phrase that or take it out all together, but I’m keeping it in there for the fringe crowd. Spicing it up on a Friday with some edgy humor. Trying to grow a larger fan base. Oh snap! There it is!
Now I have to go drive to the airport!! What, wha…??? I know. It’s not funny and it wasn’t meant to be. I literally have to go and drive someone to the airport in like, 4 minutes, so I guess I better go now. Keep reading! Tell your friends! Post a comment! By the time I get home it will be socially acceptable to start drinking for the weekend! Later!
Speaking of aches and pains….
I think I found the way to fix MY pain! Start small and go big or big to small, it doesn’t really matter. By the time you get done with all three you won’t care how many bones are broken in your body. Guaranteed.
Ha. Kidding! (not) I just wanted to put this pic somewhere. This is for my cuz.
Weather: GORGEOUS today! And yesterday and apparently it will be for the whole week! 100 by Friday!! Sunny and HOT!
Status of my personal aches and pains: Not too bad!! Joints are good. No fatigue. I can walk just fine (with the right foot wear). However, I put a bowling shoe on last week. It hurt. I have been trying to run. It hurt. I push through though, because that’s what we do.
On the bright side, with my new medicine (see above) it’s like I have NO limitations! Dr. PehPays magic elixir really works with very few side effects. In fact, as a bonus, since I started my prescription, I am now FUNNIER and I can SING!! Please feel free to contact me for the number of my nearest doctor if you’d like to try my new medication/health plan.
I gotta go, I’m late for my next dose. Adios!
just shy of pretty 