Desolation Row
Another one and a half months goes by…and here we are again.
That pic above is from the BF’s 2 week, cross country, gorgeous scenery, motorcycle trip I had previously written about, oh say, 4 or 5 months ago. (And perfectly illustrates the vast emptiness that can be found here in this rolling, hilly, disaster of a website as well.) He planned it, funded it, took the vacation time, rode it, and came back home. And I didn’t post a word about it. I had such big plans: tracking him across the country, mapping out the route on a day by day basis, posting all the cool pics he sent back…but no. I am a bad GF. Besides completely ignoring this site, I barely even went ON the computer, much less the internet for fun. I checked money and paid bills. Thank goodness for a system that allows you to pay anything instantly and at the very last minute. The checks I actually have to mail now, are always soooo late. I stink at maintaining the high level of entertainment and info all NONE of you expect. Oh yes. I see my numbers. I see my site visits. ZERO. But that’s cool. Nothing to see here anyway folks. Let’s just keep moving along.
Maybe another day…maybe in a few more hours…if I stay up really late and use my time to be productive instead of sitting on the couch watching Sex and the City reruns over and over. That’s another picture from the trip that I really like. Lots of loose ends. Raw material. Big sky. It’s solid and unstable at the same time. Like this site. Like it’s owner. And now I’ve discovered this fab new game called Coin Dozer and Coin Dozer-World Tour that I can play on my smart phone. (See how I added that “smart” thing in there?, to ironically point out that I am participating in the polar opposite of anything that would be considered “smart”.) I am done for. I have sunk so low that I cannot even be bothered to form words (sorry Words with Friends–you are too hard on my few last functioning brain cells) or draw even the simplest of pictures (stick men, bow your heads in shame, Draw Something is also too difficult for my slowly atrophying brain to handle at this time), only you, Coin Dozer, are the thing keeping my mind from total mush. Like a bad melon. Drop coins on tray. Coins push forward. Coins barely move. Coins drop into prize area. Coins drop off side gutter. Get more coins. That’s it. Drop and roll. Nothing to it. I use up all my coins and I quit the game. When I come back in a few hours, I magically have more coins! I drop them all on the tray and quit again. So easy. So effortless. No stress. Takes about 5 minutes. I can switch back and forth between the two games (I hear that’s what some people do) but I prefer to just drop them all in one big load and come back later. I’m sure that’s a metaphor for something, but I am not going there. I’ve typed too much today already. Picture moment.
Anyway. This was just a quick hey and how ya doing until I can somehow get back on track with life. Again. It’s not bad, it’s just busy. And if I haven’t said it enough in the last 6 months, the shift I work sucks for social time. My schedule blows but I’m learning to adapt. Slowly. But things have been happening. I got a raise. The difference is literally in change…you know…cents. But it’s more. And I accrued 2 whole days of sick time if I need it! Nice. I never call off, but you never know. Winter is a coming. And I have managed to lose a nonfluctuating, solid, thirty pounds now, with a high/low weight differential of about 33-35 pounds total. And I have somehow managed to keep it all off. Even when I actually have time to eat food. Healthier choices, blah blah blah. I really need to add that exercise thing in again. Then I can really put up some numbers. But that kind of talk is for another time and place. BF vacation insert. Oregon. At the ocean. Just lounging.
Besides me, the kids are gearing up for school again. The boy is already back. Freshman year. Started Monday. Jumped right in. Full day with football practice for 3 hours after that. And then every day this week. And every day next week. And so on until football season is over. Adjustment. But he’s such a cool kid I know he can handle it all. The girl is on reprieve until next week. I do need to get her up and out of this house though because we need school supplies and some pants. Notebooks and jeans, notebooks and jeans, notebooks and jeans……Yeah! Notebooks and jeans! That’s a Target commercial. In case you were wondering what that was all about. High fives if you totally sang it in your head. Bonus if you sang it out loud!
I really need to finish here.
Since my last post even more crap happened that I have pics of, and words for, but no motivation to put into action.
A second water main break, two weeks after the first one, in my front yard. It’s just dirt now with a patch of grass.
Some fence damage from another, separate, tree limb throwing itself to its death on the same stormy day. It landed in the neighbors driveway. Rude.
Another tree in my back yard decided it had enough of all that “standing” and “staying rooted to the ground” type nonsense, and forced me to take her down professionally before she split herself in two and took out the neighbors garage and house and the main power lines to the block.
Now I have an entire 50 years and 60 feet of tree laying all over my grass.
And I paid $1500 for the privilege of helping out this lazy tree!
Gratuitous product placement. That’s one big chainsaw!
In action.
Debris.
Parameters. At least it all fit in the yard.
We had some real ugly weather around here too. And I posted nothing! Everyone who knows me, knows I love talking about that weather! 100+ degrees! Tornados! Microbursts! Scary ass lightning! I had a car break down. Stevie got trapped in a safety belt. The kids went on vacation. Madison, Wisconsin. Benches. Bugs. Birds. Racoons. Skunks. Opossums. Football. A car museum. The list goes on and on. Without looking at all the pictures I can’t even remember what we did, what I’ve already talked about and what I’ve missed. I will sum up safely with, probably not much. It’s all preview and hints and expectation. No substance. No meat. Speaking of meat, I really really really need to finish this “quick” post, because I also have to go “shopping” shopping too. Down to the last rolls of TP and some spoiled milk. I want to make a nice dinner tonight and possibly drink some wine. Dream big! Besides I think I have more coins I could be dropping. Here are some more pictures. Without comment. They really don’t need anything else.
Thanks for hanging. Now get out there and do anything else besides staring at your computer reading fluff pieces like this. Life is too short! 11 AM! I have got to go! Here is another random pic from the big trip! It’s a monument! Later!
One Extra Day of Life!
What are you going to do with it??
Unfortunately for me this time around, I will be at my job. I started today at work, midnight found me trying to finish the things I could not get done during shift, and I will most likely end my day at work. My driving goal and sole focus tonight will be to leave before midnight and as close to 11 pm as possible. It is attainable. With a little luck, some fast footwork, a steady pace, few complications and no admissions, I might actually do it too. I might actually have just jinxed myself here at the same time but I sure hope not. Then I will have Thursday off. One glorious day and back on for the weekend. But that one day does make the difference.
Anyway, I hope you all are out there doing what you love or working hard toward something great. I was working hard 4 years ago and even though I am actually working harder now, I am doing something that I love. Tomorrow marks one whole month on the job. Feels like forever and nothing at the same time. And even if you don’t do anything else today, try to go outside for a quick minute. It may be February 29 but it feels like summer. Here in the Chicagoland area we have a clear and sunny sky and the temp just pushed past 62 degrees. Amazing. Drop me a comment if you have the time and let me know where you are at and what it’s like in your world and what you are doing on this bonus day to celebrate just being alive. My timer is beeping so I have to hop in the shower and hit the road. Love and a Leap Year for all! Later! (Bonus pic included!)
A Saskatchewan Screamer? Really?
Rain, sleet, then snow. That sounds like every night that I have been driving home so far. Tom Skilling, from WGN, says this is the thing we have to look forward to tonight. A storm being driven by a fast-moving, low pressure system out of the Saskatchewan province in south-central Canada. Although technically, Paul Konrad said it first this morning at 6 am. Apparently it consists of “thundery snowfall” and “accumulation of heavy thick snow, the likes of which we have never seen before, arghhh!” I added that last part for effect. It’s basically a big blob of crappy weather combinations that lead to lots of wet, gross, heavy snow that will fall for all of the hours I will be at work, so that I can be the first to drive in it! Because I don’t have enough to worry about tonight. (It’s just a day like any other. Get in, get report, pass those meds, call any docs, do the paperwork, chart on the computer, go home. My day. My pace. I can do this.) I won’t complain too much about the weather reporting though because I am a huge fan of the terminology being thrown around. Stuff like, “wintry cocktail of precipitation” and “embedded thunderstorms”. All fancy ways of saying the same ominous things to scare the hell out of us because we haven’t had enough “winter” in our winter this year: rain, sleet, snow, then lightning in the night with heavy snowfall. Plus, I get to use all the pictures of sloppy roads and weather-type shots I have been saving for just such an occasion. This post has to be quick because I need to shower and go. The best cure for a nervous stomach is to just face the fear and get it over with. Eleven hours from now, I can officially call myself a full fledged, independant, non-orienting, unprecepted nurse. Chief in charge of my own destiny. But I can’t finish if I don’t start. Later.
This Is That Sunrise I Was Talking About
I just realized, while driving home last night from work, that I will always be driving home in the night. It will always be dark. At least while I am working where I am. And on this shift. I guess I will have to get used to that. Luckily the weather has crash-coursed me in the various types of hazardous and generally all-around crappy driving conditions it could give me in a mere 2 weeks. Dry, sunny, overcast, misty, drizzly, rainy, downpoury, icy, sleety, snowy, and foggy, with varying degrees of mild to sub-zero temps, sometimes all within the same night. And let’s not forget the wind. I have experienced stock-still air and winds so strong I could feel the car being pushed to the side of the road. The other night it was a mixture of pretty much all those things, kind of a snow watch thing, and the wind was blowing so hard, it looked like a blizzard through the windows. Luckily I was safely inside my workplace. I was going to go clean my car at lunch but the wind was blowing so much, the snow never really stuck. That was kind of nice. Now it’s sunny again and pretty mild, but I don’t have to go anywhere. Work is trying to get me to go solo but I’m really not ready. In preparing for my alone time, I have been staying after to do the paperwork part. It’s nice because I get paid to stay but it’s bad because that puts me later home. And I still have to get up at 6 to get the kids up for school. I am trying to stay up right now and fight the urge to just go lay down for a minute or an hour. I hate wasting all this beautiful daylight but I don’t want to be a zombie at 7 pm. What to do??
I’m going for the awake time. I can sleep all I want when I’m dead right? Better go pay some bills and get ready for the kids to be home. It’s my only week day off and they want to go to the store for stuff that they need to live. The long work weekend is next. I’m excited for the day when I no longer feel nervous and panicky but confident and professional. I guess that won’t come until they throw me in the water without any floaties. And I survive the night. Eight hours is the shortest time on Earth when you are alone with the people and all their medications. And that’s easy part.
You can feel as scared as you want on the inside, but you better look cool, calm and collected on the outside. It’s the confidence credo: Fake it til you make it. Later.
Well It Sure Feels Like A Brand New Start
I know it’s not February first yet, but according to the air temperature it’s like a whole new season. We need to come up with some kind of phrase to identify this trend in unusual, possibly alarming, weather system changes. I can do 50 degrees all “winter”. I’ll even take the occasional one day snow storm followed by three days of melt. However my little daffodil buds are getting confused. Here’s a picture of them looking sad and sort of green-yellow in the grey and dirty dirt. The ground is not ready for them to sprout yet, but the heat says, “Come on up! The air is fine!” But it’s not.
I shall monitor their early progress for you. Via words and more pictures. Although be prepared for this site to take another sucky turn. As you know, I pride myself on posting just about every day with brilliant and insightful, meaningful, inspiring words and positive vibes and energy to you and the world abroad. Uh. huh. Well, I post every few days. And it’s almost always positive. That won’t change. The new issue is that I may actually have something else that I will need to be doing, full time, and for a good amount of money. Hint hint. Cough cough. Ahem. If I ain’t being too subtle here. Something worthy enough to give up my day job as resident blobber, blogger, desperately searching for an outside gig. I will let you know by the end of the week if I can finally change my Facebook status to: Works. Period. Anyway, February is always my lucky month for work related stuff. That’s when I got my last job too. It’s weird when stuff happens like that isn’t it?
I’m about to go get some food with the family and have a margarita. Just one. And it will be small. Well, smaller. We have an awesome place very close by. And I checked my med info. Moderate alcohol is ok. One drink every week or two will probably be just fine. And FYI, in case you were wondering, I have my next doc appt. this week to check on those meds, and even though it seems unlikely, I really think I feel better. Like, not sick feeling. Clear headed and without any throbbing or eye and temple pain. Maybe that BP was killing me. Sometimes drinking the kool-aid isn’t always a death sentence. Hard lesson to learn. In just a few days, I have tried to overhaul my sodium intake and step up the exercise regimen. We, me, everything, that you eat for convenience or that comes in a processed package is LOADED with mg’s and mg’s of that sneaky sodium. I spent my last few days buying some snazzy new jeans and t-shirts to transition myself slim again. Thanks to the new spandex and technologically advanced textile manufacturing, my jean size didn’t change! And no one will ever see the tags that say “high stretch fabric” or “extreme tensile strength materials”. Those labels are on a big old garbage truck heading for the dump. And I purposely shopped for colorful fruits and vegetables today. I think I shall be more boring to hang out with, but, I shall be hanging out a lot longer. Alright, one more picture because I like to take pictures of the skeleton trees. Later.
Damn Nature! You Scary!
I missed a few days there. Sometimes the weekends get away from me. And then whole weeks get away from me. I had the interviews. I’ve done all the legwork I am going to do for now. I actually started this posting before the one below it, so if it seems out of order or confusing, it’s because I failed to edit the things that already happened from the things that were about to happen. I will say that I am feeling better about the whole job thing. As usual, I underestimated the time it takes, the scheduling issues and the typical paperwork that goes along with actually getting hired for a job. It’s been well over 20 years since I had to do the whole formal procedure. So I continue to plug along.
And by plug along, I mean that I went to the doctor, and as I expected, he would not clear me for a few weeks. But he gave me drugs. And rescheduled me for next week. I am sure he does not believe that I will follow through with my care, but time will tell. He said the meds should make a difference within the week. I will let you know. I think my BP machine is way off from what their machine says, so when I go pick up my new prescription I am going to try the BP chair that they have in the drugstore. Don’t worry, I still had some pills left from my last attempt at controlling this problem, which I failed miserably at doing, so I am pilled up times 2. Last night and this morning. I guess I feel fine. I have to drive today so we’ll see how that goes. I was also given orders to eat low sodium. Watch that salt. Typical. No junk. The usual. He didn’t really mention the weight thing, but we both know…
The best part was the activity/exercise thing. He said I need to get active and get moving. But not crazy, strenuous, over-the-top, crap like I have been doing. Walk. He said. A light jog. But do not get yourself huffing and puffing, because guess what?? NOT GOOD for the BP yet. It’s too much. I have been given the ok to take it a little easier. It does no good to skyrocket your heart rate and BP when you already have naturally high numbers. I guess I could burst a blood vessel or faint at the very least. Once the BP is better, you can go back to the big stuff. I really do feel kind of stupid, because I should know better. But the cliches are true. I definitely stink at taking my own advice. But let’s move past this, because I hate dwelling on my own idiotic mistakes and I have other things to do today. One of which is returning some women’s blouses that make me look like a flowing pregnant middle aged dump. And unfortunately, I have to break down and buy some new jeans. I very nearly ripped the belt loop off of the one pair that is supposed to be stretchy. Now I have a big hole where the front pocket meets the loop and I am flashing the people with my white, pasty, roll of blubber that is trying to escape from the waist band. Not pretty.
So as you know, we had some snow over here. Came down on Friday and tapered off, leaving the cleanup for Saturday morning. We went to bowling and when we got home, at about noon or so, Stevie and I decided to go walk in the woods. We were just there, and we figured the trail itself wouldn’t be too snowed over because of all the trees. We were excited to be the only car in the parking lot, which was plowed so we thought that was a good sign. And as we started there was a set or two of footsteps, not brand new but visible, so we thought someone obviously already walked the trail and if we just follow their path we will be fine. As an extra precaution we made sure to make a huge mess where we were walking so we could always just turn around and follow our own steps back out. We were even careful not to veer off the set path too much so that we didn’t get confused later. Good thing.
We made it to the pine trees before we started losing the path. Above is the picture of the first bridge and the small boardwalk you have to cross before you get to the creek that Stevie was playing on last week. The creek is totally covered in snow now. Or it was. It didn’t even have any animal tracks yet. The creek is below. One with Stevie, one without. We liked the way the shadows were laying across the fresh snow.
As we continued to walk, the snow was thick in places and I’m sure we weren’t exactly on the path that the nature preserve people laid down, but it was close. When we got to the pine trees the footprints really got dim. But there’s only one way to go through and we knew where we were going forward so we kept at it. I’ll just throw in all the pics, as I type so I can use them and you can kind of see and compare from past photos if you can remember or care to search.
Just past the pine trees is an open area. It looks much bigger as you peer through the trees but when you get up to it, it’s not really open at all. The way the trees have grown and then appear to have died out there, they look like they are reaching for the pine trees. Kind of bending towards them with outstretched arms. The limbs were covered in snow and gave the scene an even more desolate feel.
It was so bright and sunny though, it was almost blinding. It should have seemed clean and happy. The sky was blue behind the trees and the air was warmer in the open areas. But it was really cold and shadowy under those pine trees and it felt heavy and dark. I was hoping we would not have to walk back through there because the way the snow was laying it was hard to see our tracks even though we were right there, practically still standing in them. As I look at the picture above now, I think of hula dancing and I can see, what looks like a face, in the tree that is right in the center. The more I look, the more faces I see. It didn’t look like that standing there in front of them. It looks like there are faces in both waving trees and then another one on the left side, along the edge of the picture, maybe a third of the way up.It kind of looks like someone is hiding behind the tree, peering out.
So we took the pictures, but we didn’t really see any of that as we were walking. We kept going to our favorite picture spot: The Path! The path of tall evergreen trees! This leads to a lake, which then leads to a nature out crop that goes into the marshlands that are really tucked away inside the forest preserve. Luckily we were far too lazy to walk all the way through. Another good thing. I am sure the next time we go, when I can wear gym shoes because the winter boots I have hurt my feet and ankles really bad, we will have pictures for you. Can’t wait huh? Yeah I know. Here’s more trees:
Well that one takes up alot of space. From here, if you go directly to the left, there is a very long boardwalk that takes you through the next part of the woods. And here is where we had our trouble. It seems who ever walked before us decided to stop just at this tree line and go back. At least that’s what we are guessing. No more tracks. But since the boardwalk can only go in one direction, we figured, what the hell. The path will probably be pretty clear as it kind of goes in a big loop. WRONG. Once we got to the end of the planked path, we followed the treeline to a little sitting bench that sits at a turn. We continued on for maybe 100 or 200 feet when we decided we were not on the path anymore. We were walking over branches and stumps and trying to not fall or twist an ankle. There were footprints, in single lines, going here and there, so we picked one set that looked like they were heading for the creek and started to follow them. We were now very careful to make as big a path as we could and to NOT veer off or change directions. At this point we could not see the bench anymore and we could not tell at all where we were in relation to the original trail. We know that there is a huge, brand new bridge structure that was just completed before winter, somewhere in front of us, but even going forward, we could not see any sign of it. And it’s really huge. Like, way bigger than it needs to be. It actually looks too big for what it is going over. And it’s a bright yellow, fresh wood color, that sticks out in all that pure white we were surrounded by. If I was cold before or my feet were hurting in those boots, those feelings were totally gone and being replaced by anxiety and a nervous feeling that we are truly lost in these stupid woods. I knew we had our footprints. And I knew we had hours of daylight left. But still. Standing there, looking around, trying to find anything that looks even slightly familiar, and finding nothing but more trees and no clear path, is a sick feeling. Far off in the distance we could see movement that looked like deer running. And they were. Because they were being chased by those same two dogs we had come across on the path last week. They approached us fast and friendly, sort of, but wary at the same time. Kind of like they thought we were going to try and catch them. They were German Shepard’s, brown and gray, and when we first saw them they really looked like wolves, or at least coyotes. But even though these dogs had tags, they still didn’t look healthy or domestic. They were skittish and briar tangled and looked wild a few days ago. They are either lost or they get to roam. Either way, they stayed away from us on this day.
I was pretty much done with taking pictures and kind of sorry I brought the stupid camera with at all. Now I had to carry it and we needed to make a decision. Keep plowing ahead hoping to somehow run across the creek and one of the bridges, and possibly running the risk of crossing back over tracks that we already made and following them in an endless circle, or just going back the way we came before we got even farther into the trees. Since we really had no idea which direction we were going and we had no map of the trail to generally guide us from the bench point, we decided the best way was to just go back. Even that felt nerve-wracking because it occurred to me that if it started to snow again, or the wind started picking up, our fresh new tracks could be brushed away in a few minutes. So we tried to go fast but in a controlled fastness that did not lead to panic. Here’s another picture of the trees with the nice blue sky that doesn’t look scary at all.
Usually it takes us about an hour to walk all around the 3 mile loop. Even with starts and stops. We were already out there for over an hour when we got past the boardwalk. The snow was pretty deep and it is a workout to walk in. Going back we were trying to hurry but we were getting tired and our feet and calves were aching in the same way they do when you walk on sand for a long time. Our pants were wet above the boots and starting to soak through and it felt colder and breezier. You would think borderline freaking out would keep you warm, but you’d be wrong. You don’t really think about being cold, but it’s not the same thing. Once we got to the boardwalk, we felt better. It was easy to follow the path we had made. Then we just walked, without stopping, all the way back to the creek and the first bridge. Finally. Now we could take a minute to stand there and laugh about how dumb it is, and easy, to get “lost” in the woods. Oh, and here were the people! Now they come. Here’s a man and a woman. Here’s two more guys. Here’s an old man and a woman. And here’s a whole family! Three adults and two little kids. All of them had cameras hanging around their necks like I did. We told all of them how far we went and how if they follow our tracks all the way until the end, they will abruptly stop in the middle of what seems like nowhere, and unless they are braver than we were, they should turn back at the bench. We practically ran out of the woods once we saw the nature building, but stopped long enough to take one more picture, before Stevie swished all the snow off the top:
So that ends my gripping tale of being lost in the woods for 2½ hours after the first major snowfall of our Midwest winter. FYI, in case you don’t live in this area, the next day it rained. And rained. We had about 45 degree temps. Thunder, lightning, the whole shot. All the snow got melted away. Except the really tall snowplowed piles. They just look like gray, dirty mounds of disgusting, scattered all around the neighborhood. Then it snowed lightly, again, to add a fine white powder to the top of the crap piles and dust the grass one more time before it warmed up (yesterday) and misted a fine rainfall over the whole mess, trying to melt it away for good. It’s sunny and bright right this minute and I am going to look outside… right now… and tell you that the snow that remains, is piled on yard corners, next to the driveway entrances, or hiding in the shade.
As usual this took way too long to type and is probably way too long to read all the way through. So, if you stuck with me this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel a story can’t be told in just a few sentences. It needs paragraphs and pages and many many run-on sentences to drive home my pointless points. Be glad that you don’t have to actually listen to me tell the tale. At least here you can just click off the site and be done with it. Good golly! Maybe I should put a quick sum-up at the bottom of the page for the people who skipped the middle and are just looking to see if we made it out alive.
For the scrollers:
STOP HERE!
Long story short version: Big snow. Went to the hiking trail. Followed a set of previous footprints until they disappeared. Took some pictures. Went off path. Then had no path to follow. Got lost. Saw some potentially rabid dogs. Backtracked. Saw more people. Made it out safely.
Does that short version seem too long? I don’t know anymore! I just want this to end! I must get up and get out. Later gators! The End.
View From the Back Door
In case you haven’t noticed… Or in case you don’t live in the Midwest… Or you don’t watch the news… Or go on Facebook…. Or go outside, after watching the news, and reading your friends posts on Facebook, because you live in the Midwest…
IT’S SNOWING.
It’s January. It’s winter. They told us. We expected it. We were ready. But still…we must talk about it. And take pictures! And I am no better. That’s one above. My kids have already played in it for about 2 hours. My BF is still driving in it trying to get home from work. That’s 65 miles away, or so. Takes about an hour, to an hour and a half, on a good day. He left at 3 pm. He texted me this message at 4:30, and I quote: “Ok this sucks royally!!!!” With four exclamations. I told him that he really can’t declare it “royally” sucking until about 6. That’s double the time, with a two-hour lead. It’s coming up on 6 now, and he’s been pretty quiet. I feel his pain, but I’ve never been a “driver” commuter. I always took the train. THAT sucks. I had a two-hour traveling bubble around me at all times. If you start at 9, you need to leave at 7. I mean, it was better than driving into the city every day and parking, but you end up being a slave to the train schedule. Nothing feels as helpless as watching your train close its doors and start moving away as you are frantically running up to it, pounding on its rubber sealed, tinted windows, while the conductor and the other passengers shrug their shoulders and think to themselves, “poor sucker.” Nothing makes you more aware of time, its every minute, and every second, then having a train to catch. Knowing the next one is 26 minutes from now, which puts you back 37 inexplicable minutes once you get to your car, that you still have to get out of the train parking lot and drive home, however far that may be. And all because you left work just a few minutes too late and the elevator took forever and the bus was slow and the people would not walk faster or get out of the way on the sidewalks and stairs, and your ticket was bent and the turnstile was broke…hmm. I don’t even take the train anymore, so I’m just going to stop there.
6:20. No word yet. My dream the whole time I took the train (that’s 19 plus years of fantasizing) was to have a job, in a building, that had its own parking lot attached to it. One where I could drive right up, park, and walk in the door. Where I could carry many things, heavy things, or bulky things, because I wouldn’t have to haul them off a train and onto a bus. Or walk with them another mile to my workplace. Anyway, I called the hospital. Left a message. No call back. I will give them the benefit of Friday and the bad weather. But I sure hope its not me. I have more prospects next week. Drive-able prospects. So it’s all good.
6:30. I better end this now before I get sidetracked again. Dinner is almost done. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, that I need to get mashed. Still no BF, but I’m sure he’s close. Here’s a picture of the backyard in case you forgot that the original point of this whole post was the snow. Later!
Driving Update: The BF did not get home until 8 PM. Yes. That would be a FIVE hour drive. And that’s not even the longest trip he’s ever had. One time he didn’t get home until 10. That sucks. Sorry honey. XO
View From the Sidewalk
Well I did it. I managed to get my butt up and out of the house two days in a row. Yesterday was the trail, I can post those next, but today was walking to the library and back. Three and a half miles. Walking briskly. In jeans and my winter coat. Took about an hour or so with library time. This is looking over the high school to the North. Clear blue nothing. My legs felt tight but I could have run if I wanted to. This day was a bit misleading. It looked nice. The temp said it was 50 degrees, but it felt cold and damp. And there was some small wind activity in certain directions that made it feel extra chill. And that sun was so bright I felt like I was dizzy. It’s just setting now but I swear it’s trying to go down as brilliantly as it possibly can. I just went to look at it in case I need to take a picture of another magnificent sunset and all I can see are black spots in my eyes. It’s too bright to even try to look at. My smart phone says “Sunny” and “48”. But it should really say “Extra Blindingly Photo Flash Sunny” and “Damp And Clammy 48”. But that’s probably too much information and could get confusing. As for the walking part, I was a sweaty mess when I got back home. My shirt was grossly soaked through. You could see the outline of my bra in the back. That’s another reason why I wear mostly black. Sweat doesn’t show. I am attributing my recent penchant for extra sweatiness (the last year or so) to the extra weightiness I have picked up in that same last year or so. I used to be a cool cucumber. Not anymore. I am a soggy pickle. There’s probably not more I can add after that so I’m going to end this right here. Later.
Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt
I will let you decide which noble and majestic, wild beast I will be currently comparing myself to. I’ll give you a hint: It’s not Marty. (That was a layered hint. See, you have to know first of all, that that is a pic of an elephant and a zebra. Then you need to know about the very funny, but child-oriented, movie called Madagascar–the first one–which means you either: have to have kids, have no kids but love cartoon movies, or either have kids or not have kids but LOVE Chris Rock. “Oh I could hang here. I could hang here!” That’s my favorite quote and I have been perfecting my perfect Chris Rock impersonation. It is magnificent!) Much like that elephant above.
I do have a fantastic memory. And I am strong and powerful. And coincidentally, I kind of have a big nose. Luckily, my teeth are good and no tusks are growing out of my head just yet. Unfortunately…I am in current possession of a larger-than-life body to lumber around in. I can deny it no more.
The catalyst for this sudden realization, was clothes shopping at the mall over the weekend, as it most always usually is. It was not, as previously reported here, my mother’s gentle and loving, reality wake-up call, that she gave me a few weeks ago. You can read the whole post here if you want, but if you don’t like to jump around, I can sum it up by telling you she pretty much told me I was a big fat, fatty-bo-batty, in plain, clear English and said I should do something about that. Even though that doesn’t sound funny, it was actually VERY funny. In fact, it still is pretty funny. It makes me laugh just typing it. Only a mom can tell you that you are a cow and it only stings for a second, then it turns into hilarious laughter and a trip to the Starbuck’s to add another winter layer to the protective hide. But back to the mall.
A while back I went to buy some “interview” clothes. And I had the chance to wear them to a job fair and to Thanksgiving dinner. Then my daughter helped me wash the clothes and shrunk my perfectly fitted blouse into a shirt that I could barely get over my arms and shoulders, much less button again. When I say, perfectly fitted, I mean that it was already snug. EXCUSE ALERT!! I have very broad shoulders and a large ribcage with extra boobage, that none of my sisters or mom have. So that’s what I tell myself when I can’t find a nice button up blouse to fit me properly. No matter, that when I look at past pictures, I don’t seem extra large (in women’s clothes–yes, shameful secret, I have to shop in the misses or the women’s section. The juniors are mostly beyond my range and style threshold now. Also, I like my pants unripped and not looking like they got dragged through a dirt pile before I wear them.) Anyway, the point here, is that I was looking for something to wear in case I need to go on an interview. I kind of decided to look on a whim. We were there because my son wanted a suit coat and shirt and tie to wear for his 8th grade graduation pictures this week. (Yay!! Almost there!! He found everything he wanted in 15 minutes. Fits perfectly. Looks sharp. Not so for his mom. Sad face.) I know I know. Just get to the point.
As I was wandering around from store to store, department to department, trying to find a basic blouse to go with plain black dress slacks, I realized that:
1. I felt like a giant dumptruck. I was grossly dressed in ill-fitting jeans screaming for mercy, ripped up shoes and a hoodie, with frizzy hair (sorry A, I know that hurts, it will get better), little make-up and a bad attitude. My own fault. Plus that dread cycle coming up has put me in pity mode for a few days. I hate it, but at least realizing it helps make it go away for me.
2. Patterns are the staple in women’s clothing and they can not only be ugly as hell, but they have the ability to make you instantly feel like an old lady with one bad color scheme.
3. My son and BF are hilarious. They meant to be funny with their comments about the clothes and my size issue. I was gently told I should consider something “not so fitted” especially if the buttons will be straining to stay buttoned. Even when I am standing. OUCH. What??? I have not been totally in the dark about this, but you know, bloating and not drinking enough water, and blah blah blah. My daughter’s new favorite phrase is, “You just got hit by a reality truck!” Well, I got hit by the truck, run over, and then it backed up and ran over me again. It was really the, “Are we going to have to go to Lane Bryant?” comment that pushed me out into traffic. It was said in a totally joking manner with no sarcasm or malevolence at all. But that one stung. Like, I almost cried, stung. And I have a pretty thick skin, like an elephant, metaphorically speaking. Sometimes it completely sucks to be female. For the record, I do still fit in the regular store sizes, I even have a two to three size leeway before I have to give up the general department store or move to the Plus size section. I tried the clothes on, so I know. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with Lane Bryant stores or clothing. It’s just the next level of dressing nice for the bigger girl and NOT resorting to stretchy pants and sweatshirts. Which IS terrible. But that’s not going to happen.
4. My daughter is hilarious and dashed around the clothing racks looking for the perfect blouse because, “It’s not a big deal mom, just start exercising and eating better and it will be fine. You know you can do that.” and just like that, on and on, while she picked stuff out, matched things up and made me try them on while she determined which is the best. All while trying to cheer me up and soothe my hurt feelings with humor and the promise that after we shop we can go eat our last meal of fried greasy food because fried food always makes you feel better. My little Buddha.
I will say, for myself, personally, or for anyone who has the variety pack of kids, and this is most definitely a MUSH ALERT (skip it if you must): I feel extremely lucky to have a boy and a girl to raise and be raised by. They each bring their own unique personalities, and, still being formed, world views to the table along with some staggeringly stereotypical behaviors and ideas, that I can only attribute to their basic gender and gene pool that combine to make them the perfect balance between never wanting them to grow up and leave my sight and life or sending them packing to their dad’s for a long vacation. The definitely keep you grounded and aware of the world even when you don’t want to be. And most of the time they don’t even know they are doing it to you. Yes, I would like to order two of the offspring reality trucks to be delivered to the mall on Sunday. Schedule a drive-by and then a basic run-and-back-over, for about 2 pm. I’ll also take a Diet Coke while I wait. Thank you!
In the end, I bought a few different blouses. I need to dress better anyway. I look like a…well, I don’t know what I look like. I have no style whatsoever. I have been counting on the fact that the whole rest of my life will be in a scrub uniform so who cares. My daughter says I am just a real basic mom. I stay the same. “You’re just the standard jeans and black t-shirt mom. The simple mom. With the same clothes every day and the black shoes.” She struggles with the words but she means it in the most positive way. And since I’m so evenly proportioned, body wise, symmetrical, is what she means. I don’t really get fat in any one area, I just kind of “puff up”.
Now, tell me, who would NOT like to be described as “puffed up”? To make a long story, even longer, I faced my fear. Woke up yesterday, sent the kids to school, did my usual coffee/Words/computer/job search/money search/throw in a load of laundry morning and then suited up to hit the trail for a brisk four mile walk/run. Break the barrier. Start the exercise process again. Ease back into good health and healthy eating. Again. But, before I left the house, I took pictures. Horrible, shameful, lumpy pictures. So bad, I already warned my children to stay off my phone and not to be looking at all my pictures lest they be scarred for life. Nothing naked. It’s clear enough, without the nudity, that I need help. I mean, if we are facing our fears the proper body image is necessary. I have a distorted view of myself as my BF will gladly tell you is true. It’s not what you are thinking though. I see myself as far BETTER looking and THINNER than I actually am. Weird right? I always think I am smaller and weigh less than I actually do. AND, I am always very surprised when I see myself in a picture or in a mirror because that is not how I view myself in my own head. I don’t think I look like a model or anything. I know I don’t. I just over estimate my looks and body size. Probably my sense of humor and skill at writing too, but that never stops me from typing word after endless word. Let me just pause here, to say thank you, if you are still reading this, because with my attention span, I am not so sure I would still be reading me. And also, I hope there are not too many errors, because I really doubt I will go back and check it. Also, I am getting nervous this is taking so long because I have to walk to the library today as my exercise. Briskly, walk to the library. Change it up. Stay fresh. So I don’t quit on the second day.
Back to the post: I did good yesterday. One hour for four miles. Not groundbreaking. Not record setting. But it was outside (45 degrees—50-55 today! Unbelievable) and I did sweat. Then I came home and did something even crazier. Even more dangerous and fear inducing. I weighed myself. On a scale. An actual scale, with numbers, that tell your weight in pounds. I usually judge my weight by the jeans I can fit into. I have the 8-10-11 multi-pack of jean sizes. Different company’s but surprisingly accurate in helping me gauge my weight to within a few pounds. The only problem with my system is that I only have 5 pairs of jeans total to wear and weigh by. Four now. I lost the 10’s in the thigh rub incident of a few days ago (a tragedy I transcribed here some days ago, in far more words than necessary, as is my custom). It’s really a complicated system and sounds kind of confusing when you say it out loud, but the 10’s were the fat jeans. Pushing the highest weight I could go basically while staying UNDER 200 pounds. That is very important as that is the magic number for me. I have never, and will never (hopefully) see that number on a scale. Even pregnant I never hit it. And I tried. Long story…my boy decided to come three weeks early and spoiled my gain plan. Anyway, the 11’s are stretchy. Spandex is a wonder material. So even though the size is technically larger, my butt needs to be smaller to fit in them. But one of the 11’s is stretchier than the other. So it’s a matter of how stretchy do I want them and how comfortable will they be for the whole day? That’s the middle weight. The 8’s are the smallest. Again supposedly with Spandex, but one pair is decidedly stretchier than the other, by far. One pair I feel perfect in.
The other pair though, gives me, what I like to call: The JMT’s. That would stand for Jumbo Muffin Tops. Or “Juffins” as me and Stevie like to cackle about. One day, recently, the muffin tops were really spilling over and we were laughing about how they jiggle when I laugh and get worse when I sit and how I need a tighter buffer shirt to wear under my real shirt to try and skim them over, like frosting on a messed up, cracked and crumbly lumpy cake. I said, ” I don’t just have muffin tops, I have jumbo muffin tops. I have Juffins!” and we laughed hysterically. I am sure I am not the first or only person to have come up with that, but I’m taking credit in my world because I never heard it before and I said it and my daughter and son were there when I did. So that makes it official!
Got all that? Here’s the key to the whole thing. The weight was not as bad as I thought. And even if it was, who cares. I was ready to cry and curse all the delicious food in the world and my lack of willpower and laziness anyway. I still will. Probably forever. Nobody can be good ALL the time. Nobody. The point is I am aware. It is reality. It is not nice or pleasant but it’s OK. I will not reveal the number. It’s too much. But I will say that it is less than my top preggy weight and that is a miracle in itself I will not take for granted. And in the spirit of almost-full discretion, I weighed after the exercise and butt ass naked. Not pretty but I needed any help I could get for this. On the other hand, I am pre-menstrual though and I am a gainer beforehand. I have gone as high as five or six extra pounds. Which I always thought was such a croc and makes no difference, but when you are only 5 foot 5 on a good day, standing rimrod straight and you are over 40, it makes a whole hell of a lot of difference. Obviously I have enough sense of self to not let things go crazy crazy and it also means my jean theory works pretty good. But I need to go buy smaller jeans if I want to keep this up. I read in a magazine that the French ladies tie a ribbon around their waist before they eat and when it gets tighter they stop. Same concept with my jean system. That waist band can only dig into your belly flab for so long and for only so far before it becomes painful and medically dangerous and you must stop. I could bust a spleen sometimes, I wear them so tight.
Alright. For real now. I have to end this. I have stuff to do and miles to walk. My legs is sore! And the temp is up to almost 50 degrees! And it’s sunny! I must go outside! I must stop using so many exclamation points! Thanks for making it all the way to the end! You all get 100 bonus calories to use as you please! Have a great afternoon and I’ll chat back here later with the rest of the stuff I had planned. See you on the sidewalk.
Just because this starts a whole new year. One week late.
And because I get to combine all my favorite things. A chunk update. Another weather update. And pictures from my phone. Of the sky. At sunset. With a lot of skeleton trees. This is what 55 degrees in January at dusk looks like this year. It was warm today too. I don’t generally go for the no jacket thing just because it’s hotter than usual. I’m the first one to yell pneumonia. And we’re all being lured into poor health by good weather. But I’ll admit I was only wearing a zip-up hoodie and I was getting kind of hot outside. The sun was shining down so bright that I was getting crabby and drowsy. The warm sun just makes me want to lay down in it and take a nap. Like a snake I guess. Or a fat middle aged non exercising chunk of fun. Here comes the chunk part! It’s a tough week. I’m more tired than usual. Kind of achy and greasy. And I was particularly sick of feeling sad and depressed. So I spruced up this old carcass a bit with some new hair color (sorry Amanda…I know you are the only one who should be allowed to fix my hair but I swear I cannot drive for two hours, pay for gas and tolls and feel good about myself until I get a job…the box has to be the cure for now…it looks good by the way. The kids didn’t even notice. They thought something was different but couldn’t put their fingers on it until after I told them. My theory on home hair coloring, or anything really that you try to do yourself, is that if no one notices anything different it’s a good job. Only the glaring mistakes or radical change gets any attention) and some good hygiene and hair removal. However I also ate a bunch of crap that I shouldn’t because it was here and I had to get rid of it by next week when the real work on chipping away the fat cells begins. You will all be happy to know that I managed to eat, er, get rid of, all the chips and dip and most of the cheese/sausage/cracker stores. I also disposed of an entire box of Whitman’s Dark Chocolates, with my daughters help, who interestingly enough HATES dark chocolate but was able to power through and help me save our household for the greater good. I also drank the rest of the wine from the other night and am currently working on the final two bags of Ghirardelli chocolates while washing them down with Jack Daniels. I haven’t cooked in a week or worked out. In fact we have been staying up way too late watching the bad movies we love so much. The kids have to go back to school Monday and I should be working by the next week. (That’s very wishful thinking as I am making it my sole purpose in life–well besides eating all the food in the house—to have a job in another week or two.) I will have a full report on the snacks because I took pics of them. Really. For instance, I found this GIANT potato chip in the bag. I mean it was really big. I don’t think I have ever seen one this big. So of course I took it’s picture. With the dip container and the TV remote for scale. I also took pics of the sky and some more trees, big surprise. And I have a movie list if you’re interested! We watch BAD movies. Like B movie bad. With old stars like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in them. Or Lorenzo Lamas. Remember him? And they usually are battling a giant crocodile or a sharktopus, you know a shark-octopus hybrid, or a giant squid against a giant snake. Some are better than others and some are just terrible. This is how we spend family time. As for tonight, I have to try and hurry this along, because the BF is on his way with another sack full of fast food from the local greasy spoon and we have a special night of, All New Releases!, to watch. They have to be back tomorrow so we have to plan our time carefully. I actually feel a little sick right now from the food I ate today. I know this is not something I should even say out loud, but I cannot wait until I get my dang period! (pardon my french). My appetite will disappear, I can get some energy back and hit the gym instead of the Dunkin Donuts, and burn off the winter weight. From about 10 winters but who’s really counting anymore. I only have about 10 pounds to lose (for each winter) so it’s pretty do-able! I’m excited. Oh! I almost forgot! I finished a book! A reading book. Not a school book. It was the Denis Leary one. You might have read about it here two years ago or so. Sadly, that’s how long it has taken me. I finished it last year. Made it just under the mark too. Like December 29th or something. I still recommend it for anyone who likes Denis Leary. It is funny and easy to read. Even my mom’s brain surgeon said, “that guy is something else…” and he chuckled. So there you have it, a brain surgeon endorsement! I’m just not good with the whole concentration thing in sentence and paragraph form without a lot of pictures to break up the words. Except for when I type. I can really string some letters together huh? I put a picture of the book below so I wouldn’t ruin my sunset shot. Oh! And I also found my first street money of the year. One penny and one dime. I will try and keep that up to date now. Just as soon as I tally up last year and post it under its proper heading. There’s just no excuses for letting all you loyal readers down. You want to know these silly mundane things that have no benefit to anyone. And I cant even keep up. And truthfully I am not doing much else besides sitting around and thinking about doing stuff. I’m lucky we have laundry. Alright, seriously, let me wrap this up. I know the BF will be here any minute and I want to catch up on my Words With Friends (evil evil evil—addiction in smart phone form) and BeJeweled (the other evil in the world of computers and high tech gaming–that was meant to be funny. BeJeweled is hardly high tech. It’s really no-tech. It’s pretty though. Match the gems for one minute. Try to score as many points as possible. Why, oh why, would that ever be addicting??) Ok, I think I hear a car in the driveway and my liquor glass is empty. Using the words from my son’s first book that he really liked…breathe and think…relax and run…om shanti shanti…Until later…
just shy of pretty 