Are You Down With OPP??
Cause I’m DOWN with OPP! Yeahhh baby…Too bad the OPP in this post means:
Old People’s Problems.
I’m definitely down with something. How I must chuckle these last 24 hours at my naive and childish posting from a mere two weeks ago. You’ll recall, I claimed to be in denial about my weight issues and diet and exercise and such. And I was in denial, and clearly still am. You can read it here if you want or just move forward with this post because it’s really not that hard to follow. Click on the link right here. FATTY BO BATTY IN DENIAL. Anyway, that was just a poke and a tap compared to the major slap down I received yesterday morning.
As I have been merrily skipping through job interview after job interview in the last two weeks, I have been landing on an offer more than not. (Thank goodness. I needed the boosts.) For one position, I needed to go get a physical. In case you don’t know, I am a registered nurse, and my job does require a certain level of fitness to perform well. It’s not anything too crazy; ability to lift and bend, some physical strength and tone, good eyesight, hearing, no drugs, etc…pretty much an overall general well-being. And I have all that. Sure I’m a little porky, but I have the strength and the muscle tone under there. And I could probably use an updated eye exam, it’s been 2 years, but I read all the letters on the chart. So what do you think did me in?? My @!#$%^&!@ blood pressure!! Excuse my shift key!!
Like a record scratching to an immediate and ugly halt, the B/P done me in. No clearance. It’s too high. End of physical. Go to your doc. Get some meds. Get this form signed. Call us when you’re done. (Ooh…here’s a good place to put in a TV quote I’ve been keeping in the hopper): So Long, See Ya Sucka, Bon Voyage, Arrevaderci, Later Loser, Goodbye, Good Riddance, Peace Out, Let The Doorknob Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya, Don’t Come Back Round Here No More, Asta La Vista Baby, Kick Rocks, And The Get Hell Out!
It’s not even that high. I mean, it’s not good, but it’s not crazy, stroking out, in the hundreds, off the cuff high. But it’s too high for the doc to feel safe letting me pick up a bunch of heavy things. It’s all about the heart disease. The silent killer. And oh, by the way, you of all people should know better. Yeah. I got it. For real this time.
By some twist of fate, my mom had to get an x-ray, and she missed her first opportunity because she decided to drive around aimlessly lost a few days ago, and couldn’t find the health center. So we planned to be there at the same time and we could go to breakfast after. Well, it’s true what they say, you are never too old to need your mommy. A fact, my mommy reminded me of, as we sat in the vestibule area after we were both done. Moms do like to keep driving that point home whenever they get the chance. When the receptionist told me to go get a follow-up with my doctor because this one isn’t clearing me, and she handed me the form I need to get filled out, and told me to not worry, it happens all the time, I will tell you, I was stricken. And I am not ashamed, maybe a little ashamed, to say that I cried like the biggest baby in the whole wide world right in that atrium area, sitting next to my mom on a cozy little couch in front of warm toasty fire. It would have been quite the touching moment if not for my complete mental breakdown. In public. Kudos to my mom who didn’t even bat an eye. Crying loudly in the middle of a health center? Whatevs. Probably happens more than I think anyway.
So here’s the thing. What it breaks down to is that I am OLD. Older. It is inevitable. I have to lead the pack of my sisters and brothers down the path of old age and I DO NOT want to. Before you think I have completely lost touch with my reality and my mortality, I realize it is only blood pressure. It’s not cancer or an illness that will start the end of my life. It is a very common and very treatable thing that can be managed for basically the rest of my life. And I was in big time denial, because I didn’t want to take medication. Sometimes you need the help until the diet and exercise can kick in with some help. But guess what? Wasn’t really following any kind of good plan. My name is…and I am a dumb ass. Well, my eyes are wide open, and screaming for help. Hell, the high B/P is probably why they are screaming. But it still sucks being first.
I’ve noticed other stuff too. Like my close vision, lately, requires me to do the whole, move the words closer in or farther away from my face, until the letters come into focus. Sucks. Can’t see that tiny red print on a black background without a beam of light. Sucks. Sweating my pits off in a 75 degree room when everybody else is complaining its cold. Sucks. Night sweats. Sucks. Shorter periods, less cramps. Yeah! But longer or shorter in-betweens, kinda sucks. I keep track, because I’m sure I will have to eventually. Just like I should have been keeping track of my B/P. I figured it was fine. It’s been under the danger level when I do check it, but obviously the docs machines say different. And before my smarty pants cousin types in a “menopause” comment (again…thanks cuz…at least I’m still a little bit younger than you!! haha) I am sure that horror is looming ahead, but the B/P issue is all it’s own thing I think. Well, not a totally isolated thing. The added weight and the poor diet probably contributed greatly to the cause.
I have an appointment today. In about an hour actually. Not really looking forward to it. My doctor is going to yell at me. Why didn’t I follow-up a year ago?? Have we learned anything from all this?? Why are you still the same weight?? (Actually, I was being soft on myself there. I believe I might actually weigh more than the last time I was there.) Ugh! So embarrassing. Time to grow up. I think the phrase people like to use is, “Put on the big girl panties,” (not my fav but this site is for the people) and suck it up. It’s my turn to start contributing to the global health and pharmacological economy with my hard earned dollars.
Anyway, I am down with OPP. But not for long. Thanks Mom! I Love You! I am very glad you were there to see me crack open the giant egg of UNFAIR!!!
I will end with something funny, as I must always do, and because I just remembered what my mom said to me while I was balling my eyes out like a little bitch. And it wasn’t mean or anything, It was just my mom being consoling and compassionate. I need to come up with a word to describe her wisdom nuggets. Anyhoo, when I get upset, I usually don’t eat. It makes my stomach hurt too bad, and I usually can’t swallow. So I’m crying and crying, and I manage to sputter out a wailed, “Now I don’t even want to go to breakfast anymore. I’m too fat and it’s just gonna make it worse! Boo hoo. Sob sob.” Disgusting.
And my mom says, while she is patting my head and trying to stop me from crying, “Well, honey, missing one meal isn’t going to make any difference. Now come on.”
That’s funny right?? I thought it was. Is that what you expected she would say? What would you say to someone? I don’t even know. But it always catches me off guard. The laughs ensued. She followed that up with the basics: You just lose the weight, cut out the junk and exercise. Not all crazy exercise like you do, just simple. Walk. Don’t eat potato chips. This is a blessing in disguise. Blah blah blah. I know it. Still stings to have to walk the walk.
I’m going to wrap this up. I want to be back later to update, but no guarantees. I get to take my son to a high school registration/orientation meeting today that I cannot miss. Got to start getting him ready for the big school. I am so excited for him! It’s the next step! Everyone be safe out there. The weather is acting crazy again, and you don’t want to miss anything new on my site of silliness!
So…Later Gators. After While Crocodile. Adios Amigo. See yuh. Buh Bye. Seriously, enough. Toodles. And Cheerio. That’s it I swear.
One winter snow storm, after weeks of unseasonably and globally warming temperatures, delivered as predicted!
No snow pictures yet. Maybe tomorrow. Please enjoy this decoration from the kids winter band program.
As for that snow prediction, you can thank me. Or blame me. Or call me a witch. I predicted this days and days ago. I told everyone who would listen that there will not be any snowfall, no matter what the news says, until the day I get called for an interview. I haven’t had one really important place to travel to for months. No place to go that would really matter if I couldn’t make it for any reason. I said the day that I have to go on my first job interview will be the day the snow comes to call on our humble community. Welp…they called me last Thursday to set me up for today at 9am and the weather men started predicting, “Snow Watch! Doom! 2012!” on Monday. It never fails. Monday Tuesday Wednesday, 50, balmy, sunny…Thursday: RAIN! SLEET! ICE! SNOW!! Turn off the lights. Lock your doors. Leave town. Buy all the supplies at the CVS. You can NOT escape SNOW in the Midwest in the WINTER! Seriously. I had to go to the CVS to get toilet paper and I kid you not, the cold case was completely empty. No milk, no eggs, no meats, butters, etc. And alot of the shelves looked all bare and picked over. Scary.
As for me, I really did have an interview today and I really did drive in the snow. But it was only going home. To make a boring story even less anticlimactic, it was just starting to mist a bit on the way in and it was lightly flaking when I left. However, as I got closer to home and side tracked towards my mom’s house in Beecher, which is more south than me, it really was coming down thick and wet and sticky. (I had also gotten another call from another place and I had to go fill out an app. Maybe two’s the charm?? We’ll see…) Then I decided to go see my mom. Cause I’m cool like that. And she did not disappoint.
I’m already feeling down in the dumps because of the weight issues, the job issues, the general lack of a life issues, and the fact that even though I think my interview went well, and I brought in all of the info that they asked for, and I got a mini tour of the place in addition to meeting HR and the managers, they still just thanked me for coming in and told me they would call or e-mail. I guess that’s how it goes, but I don’t know. I hate to jinx it by saying anything but I figure it’s after the fact so it probably doesn’t matter. And even though my mom knows all these things, because she read my last few posts, the first thing she said to me, the very first thing, and I am not exaggerating in any way, shape or form, when I walked into her house was, “Oh! You should have put your hair up instead of wearing it down like that. Oh it looks so messy! Pulled back would have been so much better!” And she made some hand gestures while pulling on her frosted scrags. Really mom?
Don’t worry, I said that right to her face. I even told her I was gonna write about our little visit. (Hi Mom! Hope that internet is back up and running so you can read this!) I even wrote down all the other gems she had to share with me because I didn’t want to deprive any of you, especially my sissy Amanda, of my mother’s supreme hilarity and lack of tact. I guess technically, her other comments were meant to be nice. But, well, I’ll let you guys judge that.
Let me just get my notes here. Ok. After she criticized my hair and made us coffee and put out some cookies, we tried to get her computer to work. No luck. As we sat down at the kitchen table, my mom picked up the cookies and said, “You probably don’t want these right? I’ll put them away to make it less tempting.” She had been reading my posts so she knew I probably wouldn’t want them but it was the only snack she had that goes with coffee. Then she said, kind of off-handed, “I expected you to be bigger.” I said, “What? What do you mean?”
“Oh well, the way you made it sound I expected you would come lumbering into my house looking like a big stuffed elephant like you put on your website. I was wondering, ‘how much weight did you gain in the last month?’ I mean, I just saw you.” While she’s telling me this she is also gesturing with her hands and kind of holding them out in front of her to indicate how “stuffed” she expected me to be. And she went on, “I would say you’re not like an elephant. More like a baby moose.”
Uh huh. I said, “Well geez mom, thanks. We were just at Cabela’s and the moose they had there was actually bigger than the elephant. So thanks a lot. I’m as big as a moose. That’s much better.”
Bring it home mom: “No, I said a baby moose.” Just holding her coffee cup, sitting across from me, drinking and comparing me to the wildlife. I stared at her for what seemed like a minute, and I really don’t remember if I was actually thinking anything. But for some reason when my mom says stuff like that it just makes me burst into laughter. I guess maybe because I never expect it. So I laughed and I said that I am writing all of this down so I don’t forget and I thanked her for giving me my next article here. Cause really, let’s face it now, some of these posts are turning into mini-novels already.
But back to Rita. She said, “See? What would you do if I didn’t give you something to write about?” Hmm. I just don’t know.
So that’s my mish mash story for today. Haven’t heard anything back from the interview. So I wait. I felt so bad I wasn’t even going to go exercise, which is exactly the time I should go. Thanks to a movie due back to the video store today, my unwillingness to drive on the unplowed streets where I live, and the fact that my daughter suggested it to begin with, we were able to sneak in almost an hour of walking, about 1.7 miles, in unshoveled snow. It’s like walking on sand, but in boots and jeans and coats and hats and gloves. It was actually quite fun and a pretty good work out. My legs were burning! And my calves are sore. But that makes FOUR days in a row. Now I need to go to bed because I am tired from the stress of worrying about everything and nothing.
I’ll throw in another animal shot to keep things even. I think they’re bucks, not moose, but you get the idea. And for those keeping count, my push up total still stands at about half of one. BUT, I was able to hover above the ground, in the down position for much longer than yesterday before my chubby gut hit the floor. Then I pushed myself back up and called it “one.” Have a good night.
Doctor Rita has diagnosed my ailment!
After extensive research that included reviewing all my symptoms, observing my behavior, and a long wait in her brain surgeon’s office, she delicately broke the bad news to me that I was, what they like to call in the medical world: F. A. T.
Thanks Mom! And yes, that is a picture of a slug up above. It was crawling on our garage one balmy autumn morning as we have had quite the unusual temperate temperatures around here lately. So much so that slugs are actually slime-ing all over the buildings to remind me of my dread disease. I figured it was appropriate now that I am aware of the root of all my medical problems.
Believe it or not, it was pretty funny when she kindly said to me, “You know, all these problems, I think it’s just because, you know, you’re really starting to put on the weight…” As she trailed off while pointing to my overall fatness and touching her lower face and chin area at the same time, remarking, “You’re getting more chins than me…you should probably do something about that.” It really was hilarious. I was so surprised. Not shocked. Because she is right. I have kind of porked up these last few months despite my strict exercise program of working out once every two weeks or so. But it really wasn’t what I expected her to say. And it was so matter of fact that we just sat there, across from each other for a minute and then I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. We were laughing like truly brain damaged people in the brain surgeon’s office over my giant fat body…I said, “Geez mom, way to break it to me gently: ‘Oh, by the way, you have more chins then a Chinese phone book, do something about that would ya…’ ” No offense intended to anyone, but that made us laugh even harder.
If you can’t count on your mom to give it to you straight who can you count on? So I weighed myself when I got home. It’s bad. And I just weighed myself today and I think it’s worse. I actually went to the gym too. Several times. So I am going with my original diagnosis which is a growing, but benign tumor that is adding weight to my body without my knowledge. Too bad the tumor is probably made of cookies and pizza and alcohol. Anyway, I got three days of exercise in last week and three days in this week, but I haven’t reduced my intake by enough to make me hungry and crabby. That’s how you know. Get ready for some crabby ass posts next week because it will NOT be pretty. That first week is going to SUCK. I hate starving myself but it seems to be the only way to jump start any kind of weight loss and to kill the taste for those delicious fatty, greasy, sugary, sweet, savory treats that are so available this time of year. I will only say that I have remained inside the 100′s weight-wise, but if I don’t stop the train now, I am going to careen off the track into the 200 pound valley of pain. It’s bad enough that my skin is stretching to its maximum limits. It’s letting loose and I can tell it wants to go all floppy. But I can’t be weighing more than my mother now so the end is near. Damn. Why does food have to taste so good??
Alright. Speaking of food, I have to go and have breakfast with my sister-in-law since it’s her birthday today. Happy Birthday Carole! Even though she doesn’t read this, but she would appreciate the shout out none the less. I will try to order healthy and prepare myself for the coming days. A lot of damage can be done when you give up and say, “What the hell.” I don’t want to have to lose any more weight than I already have on me.
So, to sum up: I am not dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. Not having strokes. Probably don’t have lupus. No MS or any one of the degenerative nerve diseases. No tumors. My mom has ruled all these serious illnesses out and has slapped me back to reality. My name is….and I am a fat ass.
I love you mom. See you in a few days.
My momma done inter-veened me
Too bad all we did was go to breakfast and take MORE distorted pictures. We were laughing like lunatics but at least I was out of the house and away from that cursed computer game. For the record, everything in that picture is extremely exaggerated EXCEPT for the hair. That’s really how big my mom’s hair is. It’s really getting out of hand.
So, THANK YOU MOM!! I will see you Thursday.
Besides I still have like, seven and a half hours before I can get my free spin! Loo-oo-oozer.
Since we were in the world we decided today is a good day to go get new hummingbird and regular-bird feeders. The ones we had were quite destroyed and no hummingbirds were coming anymore. Hopefully this will turn things around on the back patio.
We also got our boarder-dog, Juneau, some supplies. Yes, we have had a dog here for the last two weeks. He’s a good boy, but so furry. We gave him a nice bath and brushing this afternoon. The hair is endless. We’ve been brushing him every day and even though it looks like we brush off a smaller dog every night, by morning there’s more hair shedding out. What’s that? Well of course there’s pictures. Sillies.
We are like a nature center over here. I have lots of backyard animals. Hmmm. I’m sensing a new feature. To go along with all the other new features I never follow through with for more than a day or two. Let’s see if I can break the streak.
Ready. Set. Let’s go.
To the Wild!
I believe we’ve solved Rita’s little pain problem
Sometimes the solution is right under your nose. Or under your front window. In your “landscaping”.
Spent all day with mom waiting for the cable guy, running her errands and having some pizza. And the day before that trying to fix the cable. And a few days before that to get her bananas and bread and tea and stuff. We were supposed to go back on Thursday, but she thinks she’ll probably be ok now…”unless I totally wanted to come back with some chips and Twinkies??”
Uh, no.
Clarity. I should have checked that front flower bed a damn week ago.
On the way to the second-day check-up…
I was sitting at a light. Big intersection. Waiting to turn. The medical building looming to the front left, a cemetery (?) front right, and houses to the side. Suburban residential. Life and death in four corners. And I’m just sitting there. And I think to myself that the truck in front of me turning the opposite way looked so strange. I was tired. It was sunny (no specs, they just broke remember?, didn’t get the new ones yet.) It was hot. 90° and you start seeing stuff. I say to my mom, “That truck looks so strange.” She just agrees. It was so red and square and it had those safety cones hanging off the front…I took the picture…my mom says, “You’re so weird.”
My mom looking cool.
This is her, in her fancy cataract sunglasses, that she has to wear, for five days, whenever she goes outside. Direct orders from the doctors office. She says they’re annoying, but I think she secretly likes them. And she gave me permission to post her picture. Looking sharp lady!
Attempting a “quick” post. Yeah right.
Hopefully. Had school today. Told my joke. It was funny enough.
Maybe you want it? There’s a blonde on one side of a river, and another blonde on the opposite side of the river. The blonde on the right yells to the other blonde, “How did you get on the other side of the river??” And the other blonde yells back, “You’re already there!” Ha and Ha.
Lots of good ones were given! Didn’t buy any more books. Going to check online and buy the rest there. I have the main ones so its ok for now.
Driving home I find out I have to take my mom for her eye surgery at 6:30 am. Which means I need to be at her house by 5:30 am. Which means I have to leave my house at 4:45 am. Which means I get to see every spectacular shooting star and debris from the meteor shower at the most opportune time of all the viewing hours here in North America! Click here for the link. Just making lemonade out of my lemons! I actually think that meteors are pretty cool. Pray for good weather. No clouds or rain please!! I don’t want to be getting up just in the plain old dark!! I need entertainment!
After I got home I changed and did a quick (ha) five mile run around the neighborhood. My goal is less than one hour for the 5-mile race on Labor Day. I did one hour and 15 seconds, non-stop, except where I got stuck at lights going across a main road. (There was too much traffic for me to just run across) So based on today’s jog, I believe I can easily achieve my goal. I probably would have been under by about a minute or two save for the stoplights. Promising!!
That led me to a cool down walk where I found change (oh yeah!) Street Money next!
And that led me to coming into the house to do a quick weigh-in. Shouldn’t have done that! No good. Not losing. I know why. Too much crap. The days are ok, but dinner just sucks. Greasy spoon hot dogs, pizza, quesadillas and guac, ice cream, McDonald’s! It’s not enough to run and bike, I gotta eat healthy. And I have really fallen off the wagon. (I think my legs look really good now though. They feel solid and muscular and look good in shorts (all my opinion) but who else’s should really matter??) Anymodestway…
It also led me to here, the internet, where I wanted to post, but not really because I can never keep it short enough! As I opened the WordPress page there was a picture of delicious looking chocolate cake, right on the front! How terrible of them, and right at dinnertime when people are out there sweating and starving. Anyway, I click on it of course, and the site is full of good looking food and recipes and amazing photos and so I included it in my side bar. You can click here for the fast version. You know it has a complicated name. I listed it as Beautiful Food. Very elegant though. Again, makes mine look like the ramblings of a crazy out patient, but we can all have our space in the airwaves. I will be using it as my food porn because I have to cut it back down before the race. Dr. Ian I’m looking at you! And your Extreme Fat Smash. Just for the three weeks. Then BFL. Life on the hamster wheel!
Alright, one more bad dinner is on the way, so I better finish up. I haven’t forgotten all the other stuff, I’m just losing time. Let me end with a lite joke from class today for when you are feeling like life sucks and it can’t get any worse (it can always get worse). This is no reflection on me at this particular moment, things are stable, but you can see the relevance for the future:
The Toothbrush says, “Somedays I feel like I have the worst job in the whole world!”
“Ya, right.” says the Toilet Paper.
Hot Breaking News From the Suburbs!! Rita Wears Her First Summery Outfit In Years!! Ankles EXPOSED!!
We have photo’s of this magnanimous event! I took the pictures! With my camera! She let me!
It’s true. It’s all true. Rita NEVER wears anything that goes above her elbows or the tops of her shoes. EVER. Heck, she never even wears OPEN toe shoes.
But today, for whatever reason, she showed up, at my house, with a light blouse and jeans on, that were rolled to mid-calf! And cute, little Sketcher shoes with multi-colored bands. They had a closed toe, but they were definitely summery! I am so proud of my mom!
If I can be serious for a minute, this is the first time, as an adult, I think I can remember her exposing her ankles in such a fashion. And, I might add, she looks pretty good! (The skin on her ankles is probably all freaked out though wondering what the hell happened and who dares to parade them around in the daylight!?!)
Enough of my talk talk. This is for my mom. Here’s the shots:
Hot Mama! Looking Good!
